Three years ago, the Elle Style Awards were streamed live for the first time, and so everyone at home could enjoy the festivities. It was the first time this happened and so the tension was palpable. Back then, I still worked at Elle and editor in chief Cécile asked me to present the show, which honoured me but also frightened me to death. But Cécile isn’t the type of person to who I like nor can say no, and so it happened: I stood in the Schouwburg with knees shaking and no experience in front of the camera (at all) waiting to go live. Thing is, I wore a gorgeous dress from Acne, a typically Scandinavian model; big, pockety, and with an open waterfall back; all made from incredibly thin silk. Of course I only found the dress on the day itself and I suddenly realised as I was putting it on just before the show that I couldn’t possibly wear a brassiere underneath because of the open back. Eventually, someone trudged along presenting me a sticky bra. You know, a self-adhesive thing that is supposed to fully support everything, but which, in reality, is probably sticking something to your knees only ten minutes later. Especially with very bright camera lights burning on your head and when you’re extremely nervous. There I was, conducting depth-interviews whilst squeezing my dress tightly to my body, hoping to prevent showing my skin coloured, backless bra that would subsequently fall on the floor for all to see. Ever since this experience, it has become my personal mission to learn how to wear backless dresses and cleavages.

There I was, conducting depth-interviews whilst SQUEEZING my dress tightly to my body, hoping to prevent showing my skin coloured, BACKLESS bra that would subsequently fall on the floor for all to see.

The problem lies, of course, in the fact that breasts jiggle and the nipples get a tad cold, which quickly results in an unflattering state of things. Now, I’ve got it quite easy with my 75B because my boobies hardly hit my face when I walk or run (I never run, but still). Nevertheless, I don’t feel that comfortable dancing freely without offering my girlfriends good support. By the way, there isn’t a medical cause to wear a bra or prevent drooping. There aren’t any muscles in your breasts, and thanks to the ligaments of Cooper, they stay in shape and won’t head towards your back. Those ligaments are tissue structures with which the breast is attached to the breast muscle (the Musculus Pectoralis, to be exact). They’re kind of stretchable and that’s the reason why breasts without extra support droop slightly.

I tried about 100 ways to control my jiggly breasts and happened on Bye Bra, a sort of sticker that creates an instant lift effect. The stickers come with extra nipple coverers so that potential problem’s fixed right away. I wore them during a five hour horseback ride through the forest as a way to test them in the most dramatic fashion I knew. The horse galloped, went into a scamper, jumped over a tree trunk, avoided puddles and dammit, my disposition (which is what my friend calls her quite enormous breasts) didn’t move a bit. Interesting.

I wore them during a five hour HORSEBACK ride through the forest as a way to test them in the most dramatic fashion I knew.

But, as scientists do, I conducted another experiment and asked several subjects to participate. The stickers aren’t only suitable for people with a B, but also for cups ranging up to F. We haven’t got those at the office, but we do have cups larger than my B. Colleague Cher (C cup) was medium enthused. Or actually, the fear that they wouldn’t work properly made her go not much further than her sofa. Jet (C cup) is, like me, very enthusiastic. “It’s ridiculous how good these things work.” But a minor point of criticism. Like Jet said: “If I wear them, it’ll probably be underneath a pretty dress, and perhaps I won’t end up alone that night, but then I shouldn’t forget, in my drunken stupor, to hit the can and unstick.” And she’s right. Because perky dispositions or not, the stickers and nipple coverers are anything but sexy. But life’s all about making choices and no one said it was going to be fun. So, in the end, I’m extremely happy with my stickers. I’m not sexy anyway, so I couldn’t care less. Viva la sticktit!