FORGET BOTOX, DO THE BATWING

The angry dream of pretty much every over ripe Hollywood star. Perhaps also of us commons, though we wear fewer sleeveless tops and strapless gowns. Flabby upper arms. According to many stylists you can’t walk around in a sleeveless top after 18 but there’s hope in these frightened upper arm days: the batwing.

What does it do?

The batwing surgery removes fat from your upper arm and tightens excess skin. Just draw a clock underneath your arm pit and turn it from ten to two. Got it? It tightens your skin and you breasts get a free upgrade.

Who have done it?

The most famous celebrity that balances enormously between thinking about it and ringing up the surgeon is Jennifer Aniston. The poor girl had to gain some pounds for her role in Cake and now doesn’t feel that much at ease in gowns on the red carpet anymore. Besides, Jen has been fantasising about new breasts for years, but she’s afraid of the scars it might leave. This treatment hits two upper arms and breasts with one rock.

Away from the paparazzi

How do A-listers do this? Avoiding hungry paparazzi and visiting surgeons. Don’t worry. At Rodeo Drive, gentlemen surgeons like Mark Norfolk or Dr Lancer (who ‘does’ Kim Kardashian and Beyoncé) unroll the red carpet at 4 in the morning. No lens in sight and you’re already long home when the photographers wake up. With tight upper arms and perky tits, no less.

How much is it?

Think of a solid €5000 and you won’t be surprised.