Today I’m rolling the red carpet out for Bouchra van Persie. The woman who is rumoured to have had a bad influence on Van Persie’s career. I mean she was in the player’s hotel on Friday until a few hours before the magical 5-1 (and that legendary goal of Van Persie). It’s got to do with Louis van Gaal’s ’total person’ principle. Happy people, better performance. Freely translated; yes to sex before a match.

My advice, give it all you’ve got Bouchra. With your outfits, your gorgeous hair and yes, go for it in the hotel room. Bouchra for stadium-trophy and Robin as the best player in the World Cup. Already.