I promised you guys to discuss a patron’s dos and don’ts this week. Staff can miss the mark, but people having a night out can too. What do you think, for instance, of the man that drinks so much he’s throwing up all over the place and thinks it’s only normal for the waiter to clean it up. Really, I’ve been through it.

When I still worked as a waitress, some patrons could really annoy me. A couple that didn’t say a word to each other all evening. Jeez, why would you then go out to dinner? They should rather stay at home and eat something in front of the telly.

Just to be clear, before I’m putting on my waitress cap again, this is my idea of the ideal guest. Here goes:

Dos

–       Give compliments if you’re pleased about something. ‘It was delicious’ and ‘thanks for the service’ is really good to hear.

– It sort of depends on the restaurant you’re in, but put your linen napkin on your lap immediately. You don’t have to do this when you’re at a cafe.

– I understand it’s not that great to have someone spill drinks of sauce over you. Especially if you just happen to wear your new dress and it’s red wine. It’s difficult, but please stay nice to the staff. Getting angry is of little use, it won’t make the stains go away. Know that it’s an accident and the person’s feeling horribly embarrassed, and will lie awake thinking about it for nights to come.

Only if the staff is in a bad mood, will you not be offered anything. Also not a dry-cleaning compensation, no matter how much of a thing you make out of it.

– When you’ve finished eating, put your cutlery back the way you’re supposed to. Neatly alongside each other with the handles pointing towards the right.

– Look at the waiters when you’re ordering food or when something’s served. Also always thank them.

– Are you really pleased with the service than let this be reflected in your tip. Don’t be too cheap.

DON’TS

– If the staff asks you what you’d like to drink, then don’t reply with: ‘what have you got?’. I think that’s so silly, you’re not visiting a friend who’s hanging in his fridge and telling you what he’s got. Just tell them what you feel like, ask the wine list or — when you really don’t know — ask what someone would advise ordering.

– Don’t complain about the food if you’ve eating everything, EVERYTHING. Don’t like the taste? Get the staff’s attention after one bite.

– Don’t ask the name of the waiter only to call him or her by name if you’d like to order something. Oh, I feel the heebie-jeebies when I’m thinking back about it. You don’t own the staff.

– When you’re ordering something to drink, don’t say: ‘let’s do a sparkling water or something’. That ‘let’s do’ is a real no-go, that ‘or something’ is just as bad. Like you’re obligated to sit there and are forced to order something.

– Don’t make out in public. Get a room! Okay, okay, I’ve caught myself doing the same but it’s really not chic. Naturally, a peck on the lips is fine.

– I think it’s okay to somewhat take off painfully high heels sneakily under the table, but don’t but your feet on your lover’s lap. Really not sexy.

– If you think you can go to the lavatories during dinner, then by all means go ahead. But I’d say: make sure you went before dinner or wait until after the main dish.

That was about it. Do you still dare going out to dinner with me soon?