Things you will not do in a $95 million house

Realtor Rasker is working at home today so I’m creeping into her property portfolio totally uninvited. I saw a ‘nice object’ on harpersbazaar.com. An apartment complex in Manhattan. Park Avenue 432 between 56th and 57th street to be precise. A little midtown, the New York snob said, but ignore what she says, because you will never want to leave…the apartment.

Just like these other things I would never do.

Close the curtains

Look at the view. And you’re higher than the Empire State Building so no-one can look in.

shower

Look at that bath. Look. Now.

Be unhappy

“My name is Carrie. I live here.” “I think I died and went to real estate heaven.” How can you not be happy in a house like this?

go to a massage salon

If I could afford the monthly mortgage, I’m sure I could manage calling a masseur every now and then. I’d have a separate massage room after all.

do a house swap

Unless it was Roberto Cavalli who wanted to take a week off his yacht and if he gave me his entire staff, then he and his wife could spend some time kitsching up my apartment. If he cleaned it all up afterwards of course.