Baby showers, surprise parties, hen parties
How te get out of them
Clubs, they give me a mild allergic reaction. Or in Lisbeth’s words, “Everything women do in groups is silly from the start.” And still people I really like engage in this kind of thing. Form Clubs. The running club, my friend Asjha’s book club (I can forgive her because she always calls her club RBW, Really Big Willy instead of the actual meaning: Reading Brings Wisdom), the cookery club, the film club and, gasp, the board games club.
That’s when two or more couples meet up to play board games together. A burning inferno sounds more exciting. I just shared this with my colleagues out loud, the result was a ray of smothering looks. Lisbeth happens to play board games. Thank God she does it with the aid of drinks and wine (I know tautology). She doesn’t just play with other couple but also with Josselin, also a player, “ It’s just a hangout evening with friends that somehow results in a board game.” Daan played games last Christmas. Ok, I seem to have lost my colleagues.
‘Challenges and dares on a hen night, with as closing act a lap dance workshop. Come on. No one likes that.’
Women seem to come together on hen nights, baby showers and surprise parties. Even though we all hate them. It all starts with a carefully set up app group you suddenly find yourself part of, boring you with every little puf that might lead to labour. Not that bad. The one stating daughter number six having an appointment at the orthodontist’s , is where I draw the line. Because texting “Please remove me from this app group”, sounds a little crude, Lisbeth has a tip; you can turn off the notification in this group. Go to menu>settings> notifications and then turn off conversation sound. Ok, so you’re not totally relieved of this misery but at least you won’t be bothered every nanosecond.
Hen parties. Another one of those things. Ritual pig cuddling, flower arranging, challenges and dares on the hen night, with as closing act a lap dance workshop. Come on. No one likes that. Really, no one.
How to survive and duck out of these activities?
Tell them you love the idea but would rather do a one-on-one with the bride, mother or birthday girl to be. Say you have so much to tell her that some quality time with your friend is what you really want. Let them know you appreciate them by organising something nice on the day. Have a bottle of champagne delivered, wish the whole app group a wonderful day, ask for a photo update, make arrangements for a special complementary cocktail, serving it to everyone in the restaurant. Make sure you let them know it’s not a matter of dislike, but that this sort of thing just isn’t your cup of tea.
Pull out the financial card. Tell them you already have a lot of hen parties in your agenda and that you prefer to spend the money on a dress and a wedding gift. Your honesty will be appreciated and you’ll be off the hook.
Pull out the time card. Write an honest email about you having so many weddings to go to that it’s almost wearing you out. Tell them you would love to be at the closing dinner but prefer to spend the day with hubby and kids. If you don’t have any then say you have to do your taxes or get your housework in order or will evidently go mad.
Be loud and clear. At any given moment let it drop that you have absolutely no affinity with hen parties, female dinner parties, baby showers, and other misfortunes; you will no longer be invited.
Fact: Life can be very obscure.
