Insults disguised as compliments

Every so often someone dishes out a compliment that, upon closer inspection, was actually not so nice. I always have a problem if people enthusiastically say to me ‘Wow, have you lost weight?’  WHY, did I previously look fat??? Resulting in the other person stammering ‘No no, you’re just, uh, even slimmer. Yes, that’s it.’ But the damage is already done. Be warned, there are other compliments in the same league as this. So if you receive one of these ‘compliments’, feel free to bitch slap whoever is handing them out.

Compliment: ‘I think it’s so cool that you never worry about how you look.’

Meaning: ‘You clearly don’t give a hoot about how ridiculous you look, do you.’

Compliment: ‘You’re so pretty when you smile.’

Meaning: ‘You have such an ugly face if you don’t smile.’

Compliment: ‘You look great today.’

Meaning: ‘Every other day of the week you are far from a pretty sight.’

Compliment: ‘You styled your hair? It really suits you!’

Meaning: ‘Those curls of yours don’t always flatter your face.’

Compliment: ‘You look like a different person with makeup on!’

Meaning: ‘Just a bit of make up and you actually scrub up to look half decent.‘

Compliment: ‘You look so feminine in that dress.’

Meaning: ‘Normally you look like a construction worker crossed with a Neanderthal.’

Compliment: ‘You always know how to dress perfectly for your body.’

Meaning: ‘It’s a miracle that you are able to decently clothe that body of yours.’

Compliment: ‘So, you are pretty handy for a woman.’

Meaning: ‘Women usually can’t do anything.’

Compliment: ‘You look so good for your age.’

Meaning: ‘At your age, you’ve already got one foot in the grave.’

Compliment: ‘No offense but …’

Meaning: ‘Everything that follows is indeed offensive and will, without a doubt, proceed to insult you.’