Things your significant other

People in relationships always mutter that “honesty is the best policy” and that “we tell each other everything.” I think that that is bullshit and that there are certain situations where it is absolutely okay to keep your lips sealed. Like the following:

that your nails are growing

And more importantly, that you need to get them trimmed. Your toe nails too. Maneuvering yourself into a pretzel type stance to groom your feet is everything but charming.

That you OCCASIONALLY don’t shave your legs for a full week

When he’s off on a business trip, a holiday or anything along those lines, the possibility of you separating from your razor for a few days is highly likely. And now don’t get all feministic on my ass, there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to look decent for the guy you share a bed with and vice versa. But hey, as long as you’re in that bed by yourself, it’s a-okay to go for the au natural look. And once he’s back, reunite with your razor and make sure those legs are as smooth as a baby’s butt.

But hey, as long as you’re in that bed by yourself, it’s a-okay to go for the au natural look.

that you discuss everything, absolutely everything, with your friends

Men aren’t idiots, they know this, but there is no need to make it so explicit. The size of his disco stick? Discussed. The length of the dirty deed? It’s out in the open with friends. The horrible sex after a horrendous first date? Everyone knows about it. That’s just the way it is.

That you once fooled around with someone he knows

A long, loooong, time ago before you knew him, you hooked up with someone he knows. If it’s one of his best friends then clearly you might want to let him know, but when it’s a vague acquaintance? Keep it to yourself.

how much you actually paid for that jacket

The fact that you spent €1000,- on a stunning and timeless jacket is something you should talk to your friends about, but by god, don’t let him know. He won’t and will never understand it. Mention something about a sale or discount or something about it being second hand and then immediately change the subject.

There is absolutely no male on this Earth who is interested in your tampon diaries.

That you had a bit of a leak

You’re bleeding as if your aorta just snapped and are using size xxl tampons to make it through the day, but sometimes, just sometimes, you’re a little too late. It happens. It sucks ass, it’s awful and it’s nasty – especially if you don’t have time to go home and change into a clean outfit. There is absolutely no male on this Earth who is interested in your tampon diaries. And if you happen to have the chance to quickly change into a fresh pair of undies then act like nothing ever happened.

That you texted your ex

It doesn’t mean you have feelings for the kid but out of nowhere, you’re back to texting. And texting tends to always be quite personal whether you like it or not. Most of the time that is. But it can also come off a bit threatening so just keep it to yourself. And if it really isn’t a big deal, just let sleeping dogs lie.

how much it costs to get your hair done

He might only spend a euro or ten getting his mane trimmed whereas you just spent €120,- to get rid of your split ends after which you are completely devastated because IT’S SO DAMN SHORT. Men do not understand why we females do this to ourselves so next time, kindly leave out price tag.

Men do not understand why we females do this to ourselves so next time, leave out the price tag.

the amount of men you slept with

The odds that you want to know his are small and the same thing goes both ways. Who cares that you played the field for a while, you had every right to do so. But to go on and tell him there were about 80 ‘mr. right nows’ before you met him, ‘mr. right,’ is information you should keep to yourself.

That you don’t like his mother/father/brother/sister/or a different family member

Family members are part of the package deal and by time you finally get introduced to them, you will probably already be head over heels in love with the guy that you no longer want to live without him. So even if you don’t like certain family members, sobeit, but never EVER tell him. The very last thing you ever want to make him do is chose between you and his family, cause that’s one battle you will never win. So hush hush, smile and be kind.