Happy & Healthy

And all of a sudden now I’m the fattest of the bunch

I was always the shortest, youngest and often also the thinnest of the group. I’m still short and I always will be; I’ll probably even get shorter in due time. Thank God I’m still the youngest in my neighborhood (tip: surround yourself with people who are older than you once you get older. My next door neighbor thought I was ‘a puppy’ when I told him I was turning forty), but other than my neighborhood, I’m ‘ma’am’ and ‘mrs.’ a.k.a. very old and almost considered elderly.

Which I can live with. But here’s my third point. Being slim. I was blessed with a pretty fast metabolism when I was young, I lived 12 kilometers from school which I cycled to everyday and and was a chain smoker around the age of twenty. Oh, and I also danced about twelve hours a week. Just add up all of these ingredients and you’re left with a pretty ‘petite’ image.

I don’t know what I’ve done right in my life to deserve this, but when I stopped smoking, dancing and cycling, I still managed to fit into that size 6. Just like my best friend A, by the way. The same type of person.

But life is unfair after all (or fair, depending on how you see it), because the (slim) tide has turned. All of a sudden I have to wiggle myself into my jeans and hold on to the highest bathroom cupboard just to be able to see a number on the scale that doesn’t scare me.

”All of a sudden I have to wiggle myself into my jeans”

Best friend A (who is Indonesian, so really slim and tiny) texted me the other day in complete panic mode. “Doos (that’s what she calls me, don’t ask), it’s really getting out of hand. I saw a picture of myself and I finally understand what they mean when they say the words: waist problem.” She even stood next to the fattest man of the group, but it didn’t help. In order to prove how serious it was, she sent me the picture. Although she wasn’t in the most flattering pose, I could see a bit of a rounder version of my gorgeous bestie. She sent me some texts afterwards about ‘getting a move on’ and ‘it’s all fun and games until…’ and she also texted me some of her goal weights.

I was secretly very excitied about this development because everyone around me seems to be getting slimmer by the minute. Our lifestyle editor Jet is obviously Miss Happy and Healthy. She doesn’t even look up when someone walks past our desks with a chocolate bar. She eats chocolate of course, but she doesn’t swallow it whole. Like I do. My hair stylist Rachel , who has always been blessed with Caribbean curves, had her toncils taken out and lost 8 kilos in two weeks. Our shopping editor Lilian has had mouth ulcers for the past month (horrendous of course, seeing as it hurts with every bite) also resulting in her losing weight, and now even our sales director Danielle (who is gorgeous, but always says we’d get a heart attack if we ever see her naked) started a diet. Did I tell you about Renske yet? She’s been shrinking down a lot since that first breakthrough kilo. I see a different person every week. Oh, and my friend F also had the nerve to start a new and trending diet, which has gotten her to lose 5 kilos already for flip sake. And she was already slim, might I add.

So, you can probably understand why I’m panicking. I’m being passed left and right by friends and precious colleagues. At least, I thought they were precious. Until they stopped taking my feelings into consideration. Soon, I’ll be the oldest and fattest one out here and my holy trifecta (short, slim and young) will be shredded to pieces.

Is there someone who can treat me to tonsillitis/ulcers/tapeworm or a good old food poisoning? Anyone? I’ll will forever be in your debt.

(Sarcasm ladies, sarcasm.)