Sexy Friday

WHY HAVING A THREESOME ISN’T SUCH A GOOD IDEA

One of my exes was completely down for the idea: a threesome. The thought of him wanting to add another player into our romantic fondles under the covers was awful, but I pretended like I was up for the idea to see how far he had already worked out ’the plan’ in his head. Here’s a call to all women: don’t try this at home. It could quite possible be the DUMBEST thing you can do.

“Wow, okay, exciting, so who did you have in mind?” I asked him in a seemingly calm voice as the adrenaline was pumping through my body. Him: “Hmm, no idea. A stranger? Or maybe it’s better with someone we know?” Me: “Hmm, someone we know? As in: one of my friends?” Him: “Uh, maybe. If you’re okay with that?” Think: ouch ouch ouch, put myself back together and said: “Okay, just out of speculation, which one of my friends would you consider?” And then it happened. It said her name. My bestie. Something snapped in my head. I felt this intense rage towards my best friend and knew right away that this would not be the man I would grow old with.

‘Suddenly you’ll be the Fat Amy in the story.’

The dreaded threesomes. It’s a topic I’ve covered numerous times with friends (spent even more time laughing about it with my bestie) and eventually came to the conclusion that it’s just all very complicated. Imagine this, you and your partner want a threesome. The first thing you need to do is come up with rules. Rules, sex and a third person in the picture are the ingredients you need for an intense warfare. Yes or no to penetration or only a bit of fondling and ditching the real work? Ugh, it’s awful.

And imagine, you’ve found the person, are you supposed to wind each other up through WhatsApp first? And if the terror date ends up ringing your doorbell and you don’t feel the slightest bit of a click, can you just send her home? At the same time: what if she’s pretty and fun, howtheF do you break the ice? Offer her coffee? Or is that dull and do you pop the cork from a bottle of champagne right away? Or do you head straight to the bedroom? Then she takes her clothes off and you can’t spot a single bit of cellulite and her breasts are scarily perfect. Suddenly you’ll be the Fat Amy in the story. And by the way, what the hell are you supposed to do when you suddenly don’t have anything uh, in your hands? Make a circle so everyone can ‘give’ and ’take’ is what you’ll find on the internet. AM I PRUDE WHEN I SAY THAT SOUNDS SCARY? Man, man, man.

”What if you suddenly get jealous, disappointed or hurt”

What if you suddenly get jealous, disappointed or hurt while your partner is getting down and dirty with The Other Woman? It’s a tough cookie. Long story short: I think you’re going to save your relationship a whole lot of misery by just keeping this as a fantasy. And for all you daredevils that still want to go and give it a try, I’ll make sure to write you a step by step plan how to carefully handle the situation. I’ll make sure to get some insight from my friends to see how to make it a successful one.