Happy & Healthy
WHY YOU NEED TO STOP ANALYZING HIS BEHAVIOR RIGHT NOW
Put a couple of women together and what do they talk about? Yup, men. Or better put: problem with men. I recently had dinner with a couple of my girl friends, all of which are beautiful, smart, independent women with dream jobs and killer bodies. What we were talking about? What the heck my friend A’s boy meant when he said he’d rather not go off on a holiday with her and his kids from his previous marriage. Why the promising date my friend S. had never called her back. That R’s ex texted her to let her know that he misses her and why he had done it.
A bunch of analyses were thrown on the table. That A’s boy just had a hard time committing, but he was definitely crazy about her. That the promising date S. had had was probably too busy with work and she had to be patient. The R’s ex had probably realized that his new girl, the one he had exchanged R. for, was a narcissistic bitch.
After a couple of hours of brainstorming, four bottles of wine and an endless list of theories, we were nowhere closer to where we wanted to be. And perhaps that wasn’t even a bad thing, because we ended up spending the entire evening laughing. Something which I find far more pathetic were the hours, wait, scratch that, days (probably months even) that I spent obsessively thinking of my then boyfriend. What did he want, what did he really mean, why did he never do this instead of that? When I think of it all now, all I can think of is: I wasted so much of my energy thinking about him when I could have spent more time thinking about myself.
What did he want, what did he really mean, why did he never do this instead of that?
Meanwhile, I have come to realize that analyzing your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, date, ex-date or whatever complicated man in your life’s behavior is a waste of time. And this is why:
1. You’ll never know if your analysis is accurate
Some people are very unaware of their inner motives. Believe me, he really has no idea why he’s so crabby in the morning. So imagine you confront him with a theory you came up with about his behavior, he most likely won’t recognize it. Or he will, but he’ll deny it. Because how many people really are capable of saying things like ‘I didn’t call you back because I was distracted by someone else’ to your face? In short, you can make an amazing analysis, but you’ll never know if it’s accurate. So keep on scraping, keep worrying, keep brainstorming about it with your friends, but you’ll never get the outcome.
Advice: accept that you’l never entirely understand why he does certain things.
2. You can’t change him
We always think we know exactly what’s going on in certain situations and that we are capable of changing them. Or worse: we think we get it and that we’ve got an entire formula that will help us change it. And that is the big pitfall, that’s where false hope is created. Be careful: even though you full understand a situation, you can’t change someone else’s behavior. Can you confront someone and let them know how they’re making you feel? Yes. He might do something about it. But he might not.
3. Use that energy to focus on yourself
Male behavior can be very hard to understand and it’s not fair if you don’t get the attention you deserve. But instead of thinking about him, I want you to focus on yourself. So instead of thinking: ‘why is he doing this’, ask yourself the question: ‘how do I feel about this?’ and ‘is this acceptable?’ Please don’t waste your time coming up with scenarios in your head and condone his bad behavior. Believe me, it really doesn’t matter why someone does something. Judge someone by their behavior and how it makes you feel. I promise you this mindset with renovate how you handle certain situations.
Written by Marion Pauw
