Most beautiful dress of the class

Barely 12 hours on Dutch soil and I immediately fell with my nose in the butter: the Golden Globe Awards. Such a delightful award show where everyone can pretend it's about the prizes, but secretly it's really only about the dresses. The evening started spectacularly, at least. A sewer pipe burst and spewed dark sludge all over the red carpet that you really don't want to walk through in your pretty dress, and which, according to people there, also didn't smell too pleasant. Luckily, the Beverly Hills Fire Department was there to clean things up, and the ladies and gentlemen could showcase their carefully chosen dresses over a spotless runner. Since, as mentioned, the original reason for the Golden Globes interests me only moderately, I am handing out awards today for matters of much greater importance: What. Were. They. Wearing.

Award for the ‘How Could This Ever Happen?!’-dress

Without a doubt for Heidi Klum. She wore a dress by Marchesa with a floral print and sheer details, but it's mainly the necklace where it goes wrong: a kind of collar with a pendant that makes it look like she walked straight out of 1993. A boring hairstyle and makeup complete the look. She was quite pleased with it herself, as just before the start she took to Twitter to thank her team of makeup artists and stylists for their work. Do all those people have poop in their eyes that they let her go out like this? 

Award for the ‘But That’s Surprising’-dress

Taylor Swift is usually hard to beat in her sequin dresses but opted for a beautiful and stylish dress by Carolina Herrera this time. Very different from what we are used to from her and quite an improvement. If you ask me.

Award for the ‘Very Bold And Almost Completely Successful’-dress

Paula Patton. Absolutely the boldest creation of the evening; a tight white dress by Stephane Rolland with a huge ruffle from shoulder to ankle. This dress has everything in it to become a total failure, but surprisingly she actually looks quite cool. But the dress itself is already quite theatrical, and I find it a shame that she decided to add excessive accessories. Especially the shoes rub me the wrong way. White platform pumps by Charlotte Olympia that make the whole look incredibly heavy and unnecessarily clumsy. Almost succeeded, but just not quite.

Award for the ‘Can You Even Fit Through The Door?’-dress

Sofia Vergara wore a dress by Zac Posen that was so large that I really wonder how she ever got out of her hotel room. A beautiful turquoise statement necklace and a gigantic décolletage are the cherries on top.

Award for the ‘Yes We Know This One Well’-dress

Lupita Nyong’o (whom I had never heard of but according to Wiki is a Kenyan actress and film producer) wore a coral red strapless dress by Ralph Lauren with a kind of cape. Practically the same as what Gwyneth Paltrow wore in Tom Ford at the Oscars in 2012 and Lana Del Rey at the MET gala in 2012 as well. To be fair, Lupita looked stunning, but it's time for something new and we have to be strict. No one said it was going to be fun.

Award for the ‘So Cliché But Still Very Beautiful’-dress

Kate Beckinsale wore a sparkling shimmering example by Zuhair Murad in mermaid style: tight on top, flaring out from the knee. A dress like this we have seen so unbelievably often (with the ultimate low point being Beyoncé in Givenchy at the MET gala of 2011 wearing a dress that was so tight around the knees that she had to stumble up the stairs) but in Kate's case, I actually find it very beautiful. A messy yet thought-out hairstyle, simple black clutch, and black nails complete the look.

Award for the ‘Best-Very-Brave-But-Please-Don’t’-dress

This one is for Emma Watson. She wore a creation by Christian Dior that consisted of black pants with a kind of red wrap evening dress over it. Or something. Maybe I'm too narrow-minded for this, but I think it's nothing.

Award for the ‘Within A Minute Became A New Internet Rage’-dress

The Internet is generally crazy about Jennifer Lawrence. Really, there are countless GIFs of her, and major sites like imgur.com have unanimously crowned her as an idol. But the dress she wore yesterday caused a lot of commotion in a negative sense and before long appeared the (quite hilarious) parody photos. A new meme is born.

Award for the ‘I’ll Watch This Dress Until It’s A Success’-dress

Kelly Osbourne appeared on stage in a black dress by Escada that actually had nothing going for it. Tight around the waist, a high slit, and gold details on the shoulders. Quite alright, but really very meh. But Kelly acted as if she was crazy, put her hands on her hips, brought out her inner-Beyoncé, and looked ever so sultry and très seductive into the lenses and voila, no one paid attention to that dress anymore.

But with words comes image, so click here for endless photos of the above and much more.