This is football

WORLD CUP TUTORIAL IN 11 STEPS

Friday is getting closer. You know, the first match of the orange team. Now, this may not be the most important thing happening this week for all Amayzine readers, but it's not a bad idea to delve into it a bit. Even if it's just to make an unforgettable impression on the men.

Things you need to know for the first match of the orange team

1 On Friday at 21:00, the Netherlands plays against Spain. And that's immediately a tough match, because Spain has a strong team.

2 The coach is Louis van Gaal. Not necessarily a very attractive man who can look quite grumpy, check this video that out. Quite hilarious, right? But luckily he can also go completely wild when ‘we’ score.

3 Just a few important names. Wesley Sneijder, midfielder, we know him better as Yolanthe Cabau's man, can't miss. Nigel de Jong, Winonah's beloved. Also a midfielder. Then there's Jasper Cillessen. Our hope in desperate times because he guards the goal.

4 If you really want to score points, you can say this to your neighbor (you don't need to understand this. Just say it.) ‘Wow, exciting lineup, huh? I heard that van Gaal wants to go for results this time and not necessarily for beautiful football. Yes, I understand that, we just don't have the players for it. The defense is strong, now they just need to score.’

5 If we win or lose, there's basically nothing wrong. But we're going for the cup. Duh.

6 Never stand up during the match. You'll immediately get booed and yelled at by the men for standing in front of the screen (imagine if a goal is scored in those two seconds). Even if it's a replay, not standing. They find this very important too. So walk a bit crawling or bent towards the bar.

7 Assume that it’s not necessarily cozy in a café. What I mean is: chatting a lot with your girlfriends. There needs to be serious watching. And be prepared for a dramatic ending.

 “In case of loss, the best thing you can do is stay silent and go home. Maybe a little comfort sex helps”

8 The evening is all about football, so that's also the topic of conversation. So don't ask your boyfriend: ‘Honey, do you want to stop by my parents tomorrow? My mom said the garden looks so nice.’ Then you can expect a splash of beer over you.

9 Speaking of beer. You don't have to drink that, of course. To stay a bit in the orange mood, an Aperol Spritz is very nice. Or a glass of Veuve Clicquot. That bottle is also orange, after all.

10 Don't be shocked by the swearing around you. Things like Dog's dick, switching with your ugly face, and I'll knock your eyes out are not strange to hear. And the referee is always a jerk.

11 Aftercare. It's not necessary because ‘we’ are going to win, but just in case, just in case. The phrases: ”It's just a game.” “Next time they will surely win again.” are forbidden. The best thing you can do is stay silent and go home. Maybe a little comfort sex helps.