Things your loved one

People in relationships always like to whisper how “honesty lasts the longest” and “we have no secrets from each other.” I always find that such nonsense, sometimes it's perfectly fine to keep your lips sealed because he really doesn't need to know everything. Like the following matters.

That your nails grow

And especially, that you need to trim them. And yes, also your toenails. There's nothing quite as charming as the pretzel position you have to assume when you subject your toes to a thorough manicure.

That sometimes you don't shave your legs for a week

Suppose he goes on a business trip, vacation, or whatever, then it can happen that you decide to just let things be for the entire duration of his absence. And don’t get all feminist on my ass, it seems to me just a good sign that you generally still try to look a bit nice for the one you share the bed with, just like you expect that from him. But hey, when that bed is empty, let it grow and bloom, and then come back all soft and fluffy.

But hey, when that bed is empty, let it grow and bloom, and then come back all soft and fluffy.

That you discuss everything, EVERYTHING with your girlfriends

Men know this, secretly, but you don't have to make it explicitly clear to them. The size of your penis? Is discussed. The duration of the act? Is on the table. The bad sex after a failed first date? Everyone knows about it. That's just how it is.

That you once hooked up with someone in his circle

Long before you knew him, you once kissed or more with someone he knows. When it comes to his best friends, it might be handy to have mentioned it once, but half-acquaintances? Just keep quiet, no one needs that information.

How much you really paid for that coat

That you spent €1000 on an absolutely timeless and absolutely beautiful coat is something you can discuss with your girlfriends, but for God's sake, don't let him know. He won't understand it, and he will never understand it. Mumble something about a sale, clearance, discount, or for my part second-hand, and then quickly move on to another topic.

No man needs to know the status of your thong, and he probably doesn't want to know that either.

That you leaked through

You bleed as if an aorta has burst and you're trying to calm things down with giant tampons that you have to change every hour, but sometimes you're just a bit too late. It happens. It sucks ass, is especially annoying for you but also particularly gross – especially if you can't go home all day to change clothes. No man needs to know the status of your thong, and he probably doesn't want to know that either. Once you can change your underwear, you quickly stash that thong away, and just act like nothing has happened. Tomtidom.

That you texted your ex

It's really over with him and you feel nothing (almost nothing) for him anymore, but suddenly there's sms contact again. And as it goes with exes, it becomes very personal again. Often. But for the other person, that can come across as threatening so you know, keep it to yourself. If it really means nothing, you might as well not wake sleeping dogs.

What you pay your hairdresser

He gets a haircut for a tenner at the local barber and then comes back with a whole new hairstyle, while you only let the tips of the tips of the tips be cut for €120 and are completely thrown off because IT'S SO SHORT. Men don't understand why we do this to ourselves so next time we just won't talk about prices anymore. Or better, about the VALUE.

Men don't understand why we do this to ourselves so next time we just won't talk about prices anymore.

The number of men you've had in bed

The chance is small that you know or want to know this about him, so the other way around is just as true. So what if you had your fun as a free girl, that was your right. But to say that there were 80 men before him, hmmm no, just don't.

That you think his mother/father/brother/sister/other family member is stupid

Actually, you should get some sort of service message on your phone at every first meeting with things like “watch out! His mother is a witch!” or “this is safe territory, his parents are great. Go girl!” But unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. By the time you even meet the parents, you are (usually) already so in love with him that you won't just let him go, so you have to swallow those crappy parents. But never, EVER, say that to him. The last thing you want is to stand between him and his family, and if you let him choose, he will always choose them and you'll be out on the street. So, zip it, smile nicely, and pretend it's fun.