Buying bikinis: here's how to do it

While Jet has been working hard for months in preparation for The Summer and thus The Bikini, I shove another Twix and a Snickers in my mouth and watch with envy and jealous eyes as she gets fitter and fitter while I do not. My fear of buying bikinis is therefore greater this year, or at least just as great, as in previous years. Since I have the sports discipline of a goldfish (assuming goldfish are generally not that disciplined), I have found enough other tricks over the years to make that dreadful bikini shopping process a bit more pleasant.

Choose a good day

We all have fat days and thin days. Sometimes you’ve eaten too much for two days in a row, but a fat day can also occur for completely unclear reasons. Shopping for bikinis is, of course, done on a thin day. Anyone who sat down with the family for a cozy cheese fondue on Sunday night better not stand naked in front of the mirror on Monday. I even prepare my bikini days: if I know I’m trying on bikinis on Thursday, I eat less than usual on Wednesday, and especially a lot of salad and soup. I don’t know what Doctor Jet will think of that, but it works great for me.

Go in the morning

Because then you’re not so bloated from all the food and drink (no matter how healthy) that you’ve consumed throughout the day. All those tight six-pack abs that you see on Instagram were also all taken in the morning.

First check the fitting rooms

Because if they are too small, too ugly, and too poorly lit, you must be unyieldingly strict and resolutely turn back. Or: buy all the bikinis you want in all the sizes you might think you have and try the whole bunch at home.

But even better, shop online

Because fitting rooms are often truly a crime against humanity, and otherwise, you just keep turning back. Order God knows how many sets and take a whole morning to try them on at your leisure. Anything that pinches even a little, send back. Don’t think that you’ll “fit into that later” because that’s the recipe for disappointments, and there are already enough of those in life.