Fun & Famous

BLOOD, SWEAT, but NO TEARS

by Maddy Kolk

By nature, I am quite zen. I do my best in any case. But even the most serene monk needs an outlet every now and then. And I don't mean meditating at 4000 meters high in the Himalayas, no, I have found a passive-aggressive solution: I let others do the heavy lifting for me. Non-existent others, so it is also completely harmless to fellow humans and the environment.

I completely relax during movie scenes where Neanderthal-type men brutally bash each other's brains in. Preferably with hundreds at once: a real battlefield works wonders for my mood. I have a few classics that I can always fall back on: ‘Troy’, with Brad Pitt before he lost his pretty, ‘Braveheart’ with (I can hardly say it) Mel Gibson before, well, everything. At number one in my top 3 is ‘300’: in this film, 300 Spartans take on about 300,000 soldiers of the Persian army, unencumbered by romantic or historically accurate plot lines, this is straightforward fighting for life and death, with guts flying around. Enjoyable, then.

The crux is that it has to be a man-to-man fight: shooting at each other a bit from trenches does nothing for me. I don't like science fiction (it ends very badly in the future, with the world, humanity; ‘Armageddon’, ‘The Day After’, ‘Yada Yada’ – as if the current state of affairs isn't depressing enough), and I definitely don't like zombies (it has to remain somewhat palatable to watch), so a good old battlefield remains, with clubs, spears, and – go ahead – a sword or two.

The strange thing is: this kind of films are hardly made anymore. In 2014, the sequel to ‘300’ came out, ‘300: Rise of an Empire’, but as sequels tend to be, it was a pale imitation of the original. And no matter how many oiled bare torsos you throw at it, it never really gets exciting.

The only spectacle that came close was ‘Battle of the Bastards’, the highlight of the fifth season of ‘Game of Thrones’. For those who haven't seen it yet; the showdown is everything you imagine based on the name. And the unparalleled series ’Vikings‘, with Travis Fimmel as the king of the Vikings. A beast on the battlefield, with the brains to invade and partially conquer both England and France – an irresistible combination.

I won't even attempt to explain where this aberration comes from, or what it indicates about my personality. As I said, I am otherwise quite zen, and since I am not harming anyone with this, I just accept myself as I am. It would just be nice if I could expand my repertoire with an epic battle or something. Just to keep it fun and cozy.

Hollywood, can you hear me?