Fun & Famous
Expedition Robinson chatter
Week 12
Good morning, dear Ex Robbies. A very, very sticky humidity-is-80-percent morning from Bon Bini Curaçao. Where I am currently chilling with my -still white- butt, finally diving into all the books I haven't had time for in months and giving you a good report on my favorite program.
Because whether it's vacation or not, crappy wifi or not, you don't neglect your child. I mean, don't think I'm sneaking out during the most tasteless test of the year, I keep my appointments, girlfriends. Speaking of obligations, my boy Dave, am I reading that you're not present at the verdict of your own lawsuit today? I'm happy to help you with that 240 hours of community service. In fact: I foresee a new reality show. “Poking through day and dew with Dave.” Or “Roelvink rules his community service.” Dear people from RTL, are you reading along? I'm talking about a ratings hit, mark my words.
Anyway, so there I was last night on my little balcony with my headphones on. In the tropical inner garden of the Floris Suite Hotel. With an aperitif snout + sweat dripping behind my MacBook + a WeTransfer of over an hour that needed to be downloaded + Curaçao Wifi + a strange buzzing from my now melting laptop = totally Robinson-worthy, I can tell you. A little four hours later but GOOD LORD I survived. Can I go to winner's island now? Or am I secretly already there? Well, you know what's coming, there will be some rambling. In a whopping eighteen points, mainly about the intensely appetizing assignment. Buckle up. Mealworms ready? Here we go…
1. Let's just start with what half of the Netherlands thought during the eating test. Oh my god. Oh my GOD. Intense. Nausea. *quickly puts that damn bag of chips away.*
2. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD. Boiled chicken head. Oh help. Sympathy. Being nervous for the other. Secret schadenfreude. Fried pad. Coconut worm. First bite off the head, otherwise the worm bites. BITE. THE. WORM. I WENT CRAZY.
3. By the way, it would be a great jawbreaker for elementary school. Koos vomits and shits powerfully from boiled chicken head. All together! “Koos vomits and shits pow…”
4. Just something completely different. When you have your headphones on, you don't really hear how loud you're screaming. And makers of this program, little sadists, hotel staff seriously came by to ask if everything was okay. You can stick that in your sweaty sticky bag.
5. And to think I was eating toast with fucking blue cheese, right? That I spontaneously wanted to throw over the balcony. Not good for your appetite, this shit.
6. By the way, is it just me or are Koos's naive comments getting funnier by the week? Put on a dumb voice: “Oooooh, how nice! Maybe we'll get a surprise lunch!” It was definitely surprising, friend. Your exit was, eh, less so. For us viewers, it's a bit of a bummer if people don't want to go to loser island, right?
7. Seriously, if I were to get such a chubby crispy worm down my throat, that would forever be in my Instagram bio. Kiki Düren. Amayzine editor. Born on heels. Worm eater. Or Worminator. One of the two. Just so you know.
8. I think I would do exactly the same during that last sixth coin during the eating test. Message from home? Fuck no, sorry moms. #BringItOnWithThatBurger
9. Speaking of hamburgers. For the real Ex Rob fans, a legendary flashback. The roaring boxer Remy Bonjasky who couldn't get a perfectly normal hamburger down his throat. THOSE were the days.
10. More people who spontaneously thought of the chicks from The Green Happiness when seeing that delicious menstruation egg? Yumyum.
11. Dio is back at it with the top quotes of the evening. “This is the best pad I've ever walked.” Nice, Dio. And almost Dutch too.
12. And my friend Jay is meanwhile laughing his (bull) balls off on loser island. Too bad we don't see Rambo doing the test. I would have been curious about his half-finished comments. “AAAAH. YUMMY!!! COME ON!”
13. Bertie, girlfriend, what do I see now? Have you finally gotten over your lobster phase? Do I see a brown sexy Zeeland bolus body? My god. Nice going!
14. What a skinny faces there are on that island, by the way. Isn't it an idea to roast that fuckbird for a meal on winner's island? SMS ADVERTISING ARDEN EAT to 3030.
15. That's right, we've already gone fifteen points and we're still talking about food.
16. Why is winner's island so intensely stingy Dutch this year? With coins you have to ‘earn’ to ‘buy’ food. Guys, there's money, right? We have sponsorship moments from Go-Tan, right? Nice wok and all, you know? Shall we also free up some budget for that luxury hotel overnight stay including shower and “WTF!” mirror and weighing moment? We viewers like that.
17. But on loser island, it's old-fashioned cozy again. Our friend VaJayJay sees a crack in Farmer Bertie for the first time. But Bertie doesn't quite agree. ’Well, that's not a crack. That's a tear. You wouldn't swallow that even with a double dose of Prozac.’ HAHA. Guys, seriously, what would we do without Bertie. #BertieForPresident
18. Just a prediction for next week then? Alright. Just think of Piet Paulusma's monotone voice. Just because it can. Here it comes: ‘Skeleton orgy on the island continues, one Daphne Malcorps from Lutjekut gets a full load on Twitter after winning a luxury dream trip at our SMS expense, and Jayjay produces a big bang next to Bertie on loser island. OANT MOARN!“ That will be a lot of watching again. No Piet, not tomorrow. Next Thursday, okay? You can be my sidekick again.
