New at the office?

6 things that are definitely going to happen to you

I used to work in TV and since you are hired per production, you often hop from job to job, which meant I was very often the office newbie and an easy target for all sorts of editorial jokes. So I know that I was going to introduce myself to the big boss of my production office. I saw that he had guests and wanted to turn back to come back at a quieter moment until his secretary intervened. Just great when I walked in; he was also celebrating his birthday today.

So there I went, into the office where the big TV boss was sitting with his legs on the table as TV bosses do. I introduced myself and congratulated him. After I had given him three incredibly awkward kisses and mumbled something like ‘congratulations’, he responded with: “Congratulations for what exactly? That you are coming to work here?” It turned out that the best man had had his birthday six months ago and I had hopelessly fallen prey to a joke from his secretary.

You probably won't go this far, but if you start a new job this week, this will definitely happen to you.

1. Failing to get coffee is a disaster
You show your good side (you were also the first one there this morning) and get coffee for everyone, but once at the trendy Jura machine, the waste bin is full and the bean container is empty and you have no idea where everything is and where it should go and now you have to call for help and already feel like you are not a valuable asset who takes work off their hands instead of adding extra work.

2. Remembering names is a disaster
Everyone introduces themselves to you and you dutifully repeat their name only to forget it the next nanosecond. When you are later asked to give something to ‘Annick’, you have no idea who Annick is, but you also don't dare to ask for fear that Annick is the one you have been bonding with for an hour and it would then work quite the opposite if you don't know what her name is.

3. You feel that people don't know your name
What might be even more awkward than the above; you hear someone wants to call you but can't remember your name and then asks a colleague what your name is, to which you see that colleague making a ‘you've got to be kidding me’ face out of the corner of your eye.

4. The collective birthday card
Someone from the team has a birthday and you also get the collective birthday card passed to you. You don't even know who the card is for, let alone what you should write on it, let alone how much money you should put in that envelope you should put in that envelope. Actually, you don't want to give anything because your salary is really only paid at the end of the month and you have known the best colleague for exactly a minute, but you also don't want to be seen as stingy, so...

5. Going to the bathroom is a thing
First of all, you don't dare to ask where the bathroom is. Because then people might think you need to pee. Or poop. And you don't want that. Once you have finally figured out where the bathroom is and go (because you really need to by now), you go into the bathroom at the same time as your female boss and then you don't dare anymore. Going into a stall, flushing, and returning at a later time is then the only option.

6. Laughing along is the word
You naturally want to be the funniest colleague ever. So you laugh. At every joke. Or everything that comes close to a joke. And you actually make a really weird sound while doing it...

There is a consolation. This day will pass. And someday a new newbie will come and everyone will have forgotten your clumsiness.