Sexy Friday

The 12 funniest sex tweets

Some couples have steamy sex almost every night. Others are perfectly happy with twice a month. No matter which category you fall into, everyone has to chuckle at these absurd sex tweets. Yup, long live Twitter.

1. My wife: ‘I think a carpet would look really nice in our living room.’

Me: …..

My wife: ‘Don’t you think?’

Me: ‘Shall we talk about this after I finish?’
2. ‘Sex is like pizza. If you’re going to use barbecue sauce you better know what the fuck you’re doing.’

3. Her: ‘Please talk to me confusedly.’

Him: ‘What?’

Her: ‘Oh, fuck yeah.’

4. ‘From my wife's mating call, I can sometimes not get much wiser. I think she wants sex now. Or she saw a spider. Either way I’m taking my pants off.’

5. ‘Don’t have sex in the grass. Don’t have sex in the reeds. Love is blind, but your neighbor isn’t. #SexJokes.’

6. ‘Sex during marriage: Step 1: *Wife calls to come to the bedroom*

Step 2: *Plays Marvin Gaye* Step 3: *Tries not to ruin the moment while the toddler's truck collection is being tossed off the bed*’

7. ‘When you’re married, the saying: ‘your clothes would look a lot better on the floor’ absolutely changes to ‘in the laundry basket.’

8. ‘What’s the difference between a mistress and a wife? About 20 kilos…’

9. ‘Sex within marriage? The moment you slide the limbs of your snoring partner off your side of the bed and ask: ‘Can you breathe the other way?’’

10. ‘During sex: just close your eyes and think about how she looked on Instagram.’

11. ‘Sorry I yelled ‘killin’ it!’ when your mom was eating that banana.’

12. ‘The orgasm of a pig takes 30 minutes. HAHAHA, I could easily manage that if I were having sex with something made of bacon.’