Fun & Famous

THE 11 THINGS I LEARNED FROM A LONG RELATIONSHIP

Okay, so I've been in a relationship for a really long time. Like, really long. Let's put it this way, we knew each other back when MOBILE PHONES WERE JUST COMING OUT. So you could say I'm quite experienced when it comes to long relationships. And that's why, dear people, I am pleased to share my divine relationship wisdom with you. Who knows, you might find it helpful.

1. This is a huge open door, so don't vomit now, but in my circle of friends, I've often seen it go wrong: starting a relationship is super exciting and steaming sexy, but maintaining a relationship is hard work. For example, you really have to be willing to look critically at yourself. So: being able to name or recognize your strengths, but also your weaknesses. And that's different from just saying you're a bit messy because you're so busy. In any case, don't think that (only) your character is faultless. It's really a matter of give and take. In daily practice, that means you can't always get your way, that you sometimes have to sincerely apologize for something, and that you sometimes have to tolerate disagreement. Moreover, you should be able to tell each other the truth.

2. Swallowing it down. No, not in terms of sex, how funny we all are. But sometimes, very rarely, it's smart to swallow an annoyance or frustration for a moment. Because something is a big deal NOW (especially if you're drunk) but won't be tomorrow.

”There is really no one on earth with whom it isn't (sometimes) hard work’

3. So don't give up too quickly: you can throw in the towel during a rough patch, but then what? Then the whole situation starts over again with someone else. Honestly, there is really no one on earth with whom it isn't (sometimes) hard work.

4. However, I do want to say that it shouldn't be hard work all the time. It can certainly go a bit easier sometimes, but there is a limit.

5. You must always be able to be yourself. Of course, you sometimes have to swallow an annoyance or frustration, but you should always be able to and dare to report big things. If you feel the need to swallow or hide (big) things, or when you're trying to be someone you're not: it's a slippery slope. Show who you are, only then can it work.

6. Some men and women have a tendency in a relationship to ‘accumulate debts’ with each other. I call that stacking. They turn it into a kind of competition: who has made which mistakes and what was the impact? Argue, express things, but then: let it rest. Continue with your lives. Don't hold things/mistakes/missteps/statements against each other, otherwise your relationship will inevitably grow crooked. In the worst case, one will then supposedly owe the other. Believe me, you don't want to end up in that situation.

Single? THIS so you really shouldn't ask someone who is single

7. Suppose there's a super hot or fantastically attractive person at your work and you actually have a bit of a crush on him/her. Stronger; gradually you start to think that you want a relationship with him/her. That it will be much more fun, fantastic, and captivating with him/her. Of course, if you become ridiculously in love and stay that way, you should always follow your heart, but know that in these kinds of hot situations, you sometimes make a thinking error. You add up the things you like and enjoy about your current partner to the very best aspects of The Other. In this way, you create the ideal relationship in your head. The ideal man/woman, that is. But that doesn't exist, and hopefully, that is starting to sink in a bit for you. That other person has downsides of which you currently know absolutely nothing.

”Accept that your sex life isn't something to write home about every week”

8. Accept that your sex life isn't something to write home about every week. All those cheerful little stories with numbers and studies that you really should do it at least twice a week: screw that. Sometimes you don't do it for a while, so what? In most cases, it will straighten itself out again. Especially if you don't make a big deal out of it.

9. If sex (in any way) does become a big deal: talk! Share what's bothering you, share what you like, share what you don't like, and listen to each other. Open up, don't let it simmer and fester.

10. Don't listen to your jealous or bitter fellow human beings. If you have a (very) long relationship, you often get surprised looks. Like: huh? Have you even LIVED? Do you know what you're MISSING? Don't let them throw you off course, steer your own course.

11. If one of you is still doubting whether this is it: put that on the table too. Give each other a bit more space for a while, without immediately breaking up. Space is definitely the code word. Don't start throwing around ultimatums (‘If you don't make a decision by tomorrow, you'll never get back in and that's that.’). And think of the handful of sand: the harder you squeeze, the more sand slips through your fingers. And if it unexpectedly does end? Then at least you eat this cake.

Written by: Renske Hoff