Happy & Healthy

TODAY DOESN'T HAVE TO BE SO NECESSARY FOR ME

I wouldn't claim that I was severely depressed, it lasted too short and wasn't serious enough, but there was a period when I regularly woke up in the morning and thought: this day doesn't have to be so necessary for me.

I couldn't even tell exactly why. The only thing I knew was that I didn't feel like doing anything anymore. Not in my work, not in appointments, not in parties, not in sports, not even in eating. I would have preferred to sleep until everything would become fun again by itself.

To be honest, I found depression quite nonsense before that. If you don't feel like it, just make yourself feel like it. And: you just have to think positively. Depression was for weak people, for pretenders, for people who were too blind to see how fun life is. That this happened to me, I considered a defeat, which also didn't really help my mood. To the outside world, I acted as if nothing was wrong. I was just like a kind of flight attendant serving chicken or pasta with a radiant smile, but inside I felt empty and gloomy.

Because I had no idea where my lack of zest for life came from, I couldn't write anymore, but the mortgage still had to be paid, I went into therapy with a haptonomist. I told her that I felt so empty inside and had no idea why. That I felt completely stuck in my head. She nodded a few times, looked very understanding, asked a few really good questions, and I started to cry. At least I felt something again.

In the meantime, I am three years into therapy and I am training to become a haptonomist myself one day. Sometimes I still feel a bit gloomy, but by now I know what to do: investigate which feeling I am trying to suppress. Because that, in my opinion, is what causes depression: no longer being connected to your feelings.

Every person is born to be vital. Just look at how curious children are and how they laugh and play. But they also cry when they are sad and throw their toys when they are angry. At our core, we have an enormous drive to live and to express ourselves, how can you then end up at a point where everything seems gray?

For me, the problem was that I always thought I had to be strong. That I had to be able to handle everything, even the difficult things. So when I sensed an unwanted emotion, I immediately suppressed it. I HAD to be happy, whether that was justified or not.

You can convince yourself of anything in your head, but your body doesn't fool you. Your body is a flawless instrument that is happy, angry, scared, or sad, or a variation thereof. The body perfectly expresses what you feel, whatever thought you overlay it with. The moment you systematically ignore the signals from your body, you become numb. Then you indeed no longer feel those feelings of discomfort, but you also can no longer feel real joy or vitality.

I had to learn to feel again. I was so used to thinking that I could handle everything, that sometimes I didn't even know whether I found something pleasant or unpleasant. Let alone that I was willing to follow up on, say, anger or sadness. I have learned to take better care of myself. To not just step over things that I find unpleasant, but to take my emotions seriously.

However, it doesn't always make life easier. I now say no more often and I am more often happy, but also angry, sad, or scared than in my ‘flight attendant days’. I sometimes get quite tired of all the emotions. But life is now really real. The friendships I have are real. When I say something, it is real. And when I am happy, that is also real.

Exercise:

The most basic movement that takes place in your body is a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ feeling. So suppose someone enters the room. What goes through your mind? A feeling of ‘hey, yes!’ or a feeling of ‘oh no!’ Are you coming from somewhere or do you want to go somewhere? Take a moment to pause and reflect on your inner movement. What happens when you think about eating a banana? What happens when your mother talks about her sick neighbor? What happens when you sit down on the couch?

It seems quite basic, but many people are so poorly connected to their own body that they have no idea what they want, what they think about something, or even who they are. The more aware you are of your own ‘yes’ or ‘no’ feeling, the better you learn to know yourself and the better you can take care of yourself.

Written by Marion Pauw