Fun & Famous

WHY TAKING A COURSE IN MASTURBATION IS A GOOD IDEA

Once, I found masturbation to be one of the most ridiculous activities on this earth. It seemed to me a lost cause from the start, an intensely unequal struggle; after all, you have to beat him at his own game. Now, I think very differently about masturbation. There is quite a bit of honor to be gained from a virtuoso session. It is quite a fun part of the game. And those who do their best can expect applause: a seductive sultry breeze turns out to be a relief amidst all the painful jerky winds that a gentleman has to deal with. I have been told, you know.

So. I have delved into the devilishly interesting world of masturbation techniques by attending amusing masturbation courses that I have successfully completed – at least, that’s what my husband joyfully informs me at home. And now I am reaping the rewards. Admittedly: attending such workshops was not my idea, I went there as a *ahem* investigative journalist for a nice piece in various magazines.

”Attending such workshops was not my idea, I went there as a *ahem* investigative journalist”

I sketch the situation. You arrive at the agreed time at the agreed place to take a seat at tables where classic dildos are stuck with a suction cup, usually with no more than ten other ladies. There are bottles of lubricant, and you get a glass of wine or bubbly, perhaps to loosen the tongues and make the stiff wrists more supple. You are surprised by the other attendees: that peacock blouse and her neat friend, that gray mouse girl and that sporty older pigeon, you really didn’t expect them here, did you? The sets of friends invariably dissolve into a heap of giggles and group-eight elementary school behavior, while you watch in increasing amazement how ridiculously simple the various techniques seem (a lot), while they are sometimes damn difficult to master in the nuances. And then you all get to work together on the practice tools in front of you. How fun!

Well, such a course turns out to be damn educational. These are the three techniques – you learn ten – with which I score the most points.

Citrus Press

It really goes just like it sounds: as if you have an orange in your hand and you squeeze it onto the glans with a twisting motion. Keep it nice and tight at the bottom – the stem doesn’t threaten to break under your pressure.

Milkmaid

Use both hands and plenty of lubricant. ‘Milk’ his knob by moving your hands smoothly from bottom to top, alternating, and getting faster and faster. Don’t let go and especially keep a grip, a little pressure in the fists is allowed.

Pine Tree

Fold your fingers together like a Christmas tree and let that triangle slide down over its trunk, applying pleasant pressure with your palms. You can let his flute poke through your finger foliage at different spots or bounce off soft resistance in your palm. Alternate those two things.

P.S.: Using plenty of lubricant is a must, it makes it all the more festive. Eros Body Glide works like a charm. You take a masturbation course at Mail & Female or Christine le Duc

Text: Kalinka Hählen