Fun & Famous

WHY IT'S BETTER TO JUST GET ANGRY

by Marion Pauw

When was the last time you got angry? And I'm not talking about being ‘safely’ angry at someone who will always be there for you (your child), or angry at someone you will never see again (like in traffic), but at someone it was a bit tense to get angry at. Like your boss. Or at your friend's best friend (who is really difficult).

Besides the fact that it often just doesn't come at a good time, we think we should be able to take everything and accept it. We drown each other in platitudes like: ‘Accept the things you cannot change.’ And: ‘Let it go.’ Anger is for the weak. For the fools who haven't realized yet that you need to meditate for half an hour every day and do Yin yoga.

Let's first take a look at what happens when you get angry. You can't control your emotions. When you're angry, you're angry. You don't think about it, it happens in your body. Suppose: someone crosses your boundaries. You trigger the biochemistry associated with a fight response. Your gut tightens, your energy rises a bit and is directed forward, your body prepares to take action, without you even having devoted a single thought to it. So you can't choose to be for or against the emotion. When you're angry, you're angry.

Now we are all mentally quite well developed. Especially people with willpower and discipline (great traits, but god, can they be a hassle) have become so skilled at suppressing emotions that they gradually don't even realize what's going on in their body. This is what happens:

– Your body signals: I am angry. You trigger biochemistry, your body goes into action.

– Your head says: I must not get angry. I have to behave like an adult.

– You ignore the signals from your body.

– Your head disconnects from your body.

– The anger is trapped in your body.

Do you understand that you become increasingly detached from your true feelings if you keep ignoring the signals from your body? At some point, you can't even get into your body anymore and you're completely stuck in your head. Then you no longer know what you feel, what you want, and you don't even know who you are anymore. And that is a big problem. You can even get quite stuck in that.

It would help immensely if we all just stopped being so spasmodic about anger. In fact, what if we started to see anger as something positive? Anger actually has a very important function. Anger advocates for your interests. Because you are angry, because you produce certain hormones, because your body straightens up and your energy shoots forward, you can stand up for yourself. And that is sometimes NECESSARY. Yes, you heard it right: you sometimes NEED that anger.

Healthy anger

But that can't be right, just being angry? We immediately think of throwing pans, unreasonable tirades, and hysterical scenes when we think of anger. Childish behavior, yes. And that's also how anger manifests when you let the barometer rise too high. You know it well: with a grim smile on your face, you say things like: ‘It's okay’, ‘The other person doesn't mean it that way’ or: ‘I shouldn't be so childish.’ You think you're solving something in your head, but nothing changes in your body. Your body is still angry. At some point, the anger depot has grown so large that you literally explode, and then it's difficult to find a healthy way to express that anger.

The art is to ventilate anger immediately to the right person at the right moment. In practice, it could simply be that you say: ‘Here lies my boundary, and it makes me angry that you are crossing it, so back off.’

This seems very simple, but we all know that this is difficult and not always feasible in practice. It means that you: 1. need to feel well where your boundaries lie 2. must be willing to choose for yourself.

In the short term, you might prefer to pursue a harmony model. And I understand that better than anyone, because it is also scary to be clear. We are all too often willing to shift a bit because we think that is nicer for the other person. But if you don't indicate where your boundaries lie and keep giving away a piece of your territory, in the end, you will have nothing left.

So the next time something happens that you don't like, don't make your heart a chemical storage facility. Just say something. The other person learns from that too.