Happy & Healthy
Why you need to stop analyzing his behavior now
Put a few women together and what do they talk about? That's right, about men. Or better said: about problems with men. I was recently at a dinner with a few girlfriends. Beautiful, smart, strong women with dream jobs and killer bodies. What was it about? What A.'s boyfriend meant when he said he preferred not to go on vacation with her and the children from her previous relationship. Why the promising date of friend S. never called back. That R.'s ex texted that he missed her so much and why he did that.
Whole analyses were thrown around. That A.'s boyfriend just had trouble committing, but was clearly crazy about her. That S.'s promising date was probably busy with his work and that she needed to be patient. That R.'s ex probably found out that his new girlfriend, the one he traded R. for, is a narcissistic bitch.
After several hours of brainstorming, four bottles of wine, and countless theories, we were no further along. And maybe that's not such a bad thing, because we laughed terribly hard. A lot sadder were all the hours, what am I saying, days, (probably months) that I spent obsessively thinking about my then-boyfriend. What did he want, what did he really mean, why didn't he do this instead of that? In hindsight, I mainly think: what a waste of energy I spent thinking about him, while I could have thought a hundred times better about myself.
What did he want, what did he really mean, why didn't he do this instead of that?
In the meantime, I have come to the realization that analyzing the behavior of your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, date, ex-date, or any complicated man makes no sense at all. And this is why:
1. You will never know if your analysis is correct
Most people have little awareness of their inner motives. Believe me, he really doesn't know why he is always so grumpy in the morning. So if you confront him with your theory about his behavior, he will most likely not recognize it. Or he recognizes it but denies it. Because how many people say things right to your face like: I didn't call you back because I was distracted by someone else. In short, you can make a great analysis, but you will never know if it is correct. So you keep chiseling away, keep worrying, keep brainstorming about it with your girlfriends, but you will never get the outcome.
Advice: accept that you will never fully understand why he does something.
2. You cannot change him
We always think that if we know exactly how something works, the situation will change immediately. Or worse: we think that if we just understand it, we have the formula in hand to change everything. And that is a big pitfall, because this is where false hope is born. Note: even if you know exactly how it is, you cannot change someone else's behavior. At most, you can confront someone with it and tell them what it does to you. Maybe he will do something with that. But maybe not.
3. Rather invest energy in yourself
The behavior of men is sometimes incomprehensible and it is also not fair if you do not receive the treatment you deserve. But instead of thinking about him, I want you to shift the focus to yourself. So instead of: ‘why is he doing this’, ask yourself questions like: ‘what do I think about this?’, ‘how do I feel about this?’ and ‘is this acceptable?’ Please don't waste any more time on all kinds of dream images and justifying bad behavior. Believe me, it really doesn't matter why someone does something. Judge someone based on their behavior and how you feel about it. I promise you that you will feel much better from this.
Written by Marion Pauw
