Fun & Famous
WRITING A GOOD SEX STORY IS NO EASY TASK
The book Maestra by L.S. Hilton has been on the editorial desk for a few weeks now, and it is just NOT normal how hard that book is poking in my peripheral vision. Of course, because the reviews are quite nice, but first and foremost because I know from personal experience that it is extraordinarily difficult to squeeze a good sex scene out of your keyboard.
A few years ago, May-Britt asked me if I wanted to write a sex story. Easy now, people, easy now, it wasn't because she was lacking inspiration herself. Look, this is how the rumors get out into the world. Anyway. It was ‘just’ for a story in Marie Claire, where May-Britt was the editor-in-chief at the time. The master plan was that I would see if I could become the new E.L. James – from the huge bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey. We thought I might have some talent for it, plus I really wanted to become rich and famous, with red carpets, famous friends, and free clothes/drinks. Add to that the help I got from Kalinka (yes, our Kalinka, because quite experienced in writing about sex) and from writer/literary hero Thomas Blondeau (1978-2013), who compiled the erotic collection Hard and Tender, and nothing stood in the way of my undoubtedly gigantic success.
”I just managed to squeeze out a romantic piece”
Good. I just managed to squeeze out a romantic piece where the main characters met, but then the shit was on. Because how did I let a romantic piece transition into a horny moment where people were touching each other's genitals? And what do you actually call genitals? I mean: do I really want to use the word penis? And do you say pussy or vagina? Or maybe just cunt? But cunt might be way too crude? Mm. I got completely tangled up in it and in a fit of mental confusion, I then wrote something about a pussy and a red throbbing cock. And then I also wrote something about a blue veined cock. And then I also wrote the words ‘big’, ’trembling’, ‘moist’, and ‘throbbing’ a few times. Because just imagine if the (poor) reader wouldn't realize in what state the penis in question was.
”I tried with all the tips and tricks to make something out of it”
I tried with all the tips and tricks to make something out of it. But after reading the first version, Kalinka said that the ‘red cock’ really had to go, because she immediately associates red with an STD (!). Furthermore, she inspired me with the poem Oh, Cunt by Jules Deelder, in which a huge array of words for the female genitalia came by. I’ll give you a selection: shaft, hole, dirk, kees, mouse, garden, dirk, tear, door, and bag. But yes, because Thomas (who by the way thought of cheese when it came to blue veined cock) taught me in turn that you should preferably use words that you also use yourself, I was still stuck with an error. I mean; I have just never said that someone should fuck me in my garden. And even if a real garden was meant: I don’t even have a garden.
also the eleven reasons why you absolutely want to stay here according to May. here why a deduction course is a good idea
The report of my ‘crash course’ eventually appeared in Marie Claire (December 2012) and the sexy writing in question is still on the Marie Claire website. I found it bizarrely difficult not to fall into clichés, to come up with a distinctive storyline, and to make the reader empathize with the main characters, so that as a reader you want them to actually do it. And even though I didn't have weeks to work on it and couldn't endlessly refine it, I am most likely better at reading exciting writings than at writing them. So tonight, I’ll just cozy up on the couch with Maestra. But for those who would still like to take the pen in hand: here are five writing lessons that I learned during the process (among others from Thomas) and that have stuck with me the most.
1. DARE. I was censoring myself while writing. Doesn't work, I can tell you.
2. Stay away from clichés, then you will never stand out with your writing skills.
3. Don't explain too much. I left very little to the reader's own imagination – and while the reader wants to fill in quite a bit.
4. Use your own vocabulary. Don't use words you don't know, it feels inauthentic.
5. Write what you know: work with exciting situations that you have actually experienced and build on that.
6. Too many tips can also cause talent to be lost. Just start writing, then you will see if something works.
