ARE YOU A LITTLE DOG IN LOVE?

I am currently taking care of a houseboat with two cats, and I must say that I find that quite a thing as a dog person. Those cats... well. They are so unpredictable. One moment they are all over you, and the next moment they act as if you don't exist. And if you dare to give them a pet at a moment when it doesn't please Her Majesty, you'll get scratched too. Give me dogs. They are reliable and want just one thing: that you love them.

Just like in love, there are people who behave more like a dog and people who are more like a cat. Knowing what kind of behavior you tend towards and having an idea of how your partner feels about it can provide a lot of insight into your love life. So, here’s the next question: are you more of a dog or a cat in love? In this post, I will discuss the dog extensively with you.

The dog

The basic principle of a dog is:

‘I will do everything for you, as long as you love me’

A friend who trains service dogs once explained that puppies are selected based on a so-called ‘will to please’. How motivated is the dog to do tasks for its owner? How sensitive is the dog to rewards? That desire to do well for others is naturally present and is reinforced through training. People are not very different.

Your character partly determines how focused you are on others. This is further reinforced by the way you were raised. There are people who learned early in life that they have to work for love. They have become convinced that they are not enough just as they are. That love must always be earned. Your parents don’t have to be monsters or have intentionally harmed you. Maybe you went to school for the first time, and your father said at goodbye: ‘Do your best’ and you took that very seriously, even though he didn’t mean it that way.

Don’t worry, it’s really not bad if you recognize yourself in this profile. You have a great capacity to love, even if there is (temporarily) little in return. Your heart is wide open. You are loyal, generous, and optimistic. You don’t give up easily, and you can take a hit. If you have a partner who is capable of receiving your love and also giving love back, you can have a beautiful, healthy relationship.

But the dog also knows a number of major pitfalls.

1. You are not enough focused on yourself.

To earn the love and appreciation of the other, you naturally need to know what they need. That’s why you focus on them so that their needs won’t escape you. Some people are so focused on the other that they completely neglect themselves. They put themselves on mute, so to speak, to dedicate all their energy to the other. When their relationship eventually ends, they lose their entire identity.

2. You keep going where you should have stopped.

Even if you’ve been away for over 24 hours without causing any trouble and arranging a dog-walking service, your dog still loves you. In fact; he is overjoyed that you are back home. He even feels guilty because he couldn’t hold that one pee. Unconditional love is beautiful, but not always healthy. You can love your children unconditionally. Beyond that, you should set demands on everyone. You MUST set demands on everyone. Now, when you think of the word ‘demands’, you probably think of The Devil Wears Prada-like scenes, because you, as a little dog, just aren’t wired that way. When you think of demands, you think of selfish behavior. Maybe you even dare not to set demands because you don’t want to put up any barriers for the other to love you. But a healthy relationship is based on equality. Equality means that you both give love and both receive love. So you can expect something in return for your love. Of course, your partner may not be feeling great for a while, may be very busy at work, sick, or confused, but the balance must be right in the long term. How do you know if that’s the case? Very simple. The moment you start to wonder about it almost weekly, the moment you tend to keep track in your agenda of how many days your partner is nice to you and how many days not, then the balance is NOT right. Then you know you are giving too much and not receiving enough in return. Your natural reflex as a dog is to work even harder. Instead of improving the situation, you only make it worse. Until you run out of steam. And then you suddenly disappear, leaving your partner in complete confusion.

3. You push your love down someone’s throat.

Admitting that you can sometimes be a bit pushy with your love requires self-awareness and honesty. You won’t be the first to give love to the other to feel good about yourself instead of love that is attuned to the other. Imagine you are going to someone’s house for dinner. They have cooked a delicious meal for you and fill your plate. You eat it with pleasure and thank them for the wonderful meal. They serve you again. You know they will be a bit offended if you don’t eat it, so you struggle through the new portion. But what if they serve you again? And again? Is that still loving? It’s the same with people who can’t find a balance in love. They think they always have to give a lot of ‘love’ and don’t pay attention to the other’s needs in terms of quantity and form.

4. You don’t give the other space.

I was once in a five-star resort where every few meters a staff member was ready to serve us. You could barely drop your napkin before someone picked it up again. You could hardly cough before someone asked if you wanted water. You can see this as extreme service orientation, but I found it suffocating. I felt watched the whole time. Moreover, I also like to do something myself occasionally and really don’t need to be held by two men when stepping from the dock onto a boat. It works the same way in a relationship. In a healthy relationship, you both take half of the responsibility. Allow the other their own half.

Have you discovered one or more pitfalls in yourself? Knowing where your weak spots are and what your triggers are is the most important step towards a healthier love life. And rest assured: cats are also far from perfect. More about that next time…