ARE YOU A CAT IN LOVE?

If you haven't read my previous post about puppies in love, do that now. But I also want to give you the short summary, you know. In short, there are people who behave like a dog in love and people who behave like a cat. A dog is willing to work very hard for love; he wants to do everything for you, as long as you love him.

The cat is the opposite of a dog. Cats are not at all planning to work for love. On the contrary; a cat thinks that the other should make an effort and will then decide whether she feels like it or not. A cat does not happily wait by the door when you return from vacation. You should be happy if the cat even wants to look at you in the first few days. And if you've really messed up, she might poop under your bed. The basic principle of the cat is this:

If you do everything for me, then I might love you.

Some people are like a cat in love. They have a wait-and-see attitude and let the degree to which they give love depend on the other. You often see this in people who had rejecting parents; for example, if your parents were cold, those types who have trouble with physical contact or who find showing emotions ‘nonsense’. Or parents who were so busy with themselves that you, as a child, learned to stop relying on them. Or parents who were always so negative about you that you gave up. As a child, you might think: I'll solve it on my own. In fact, cat behavior boils down to this: to avoid rejection, you withdraw yourself in advance.

Don't worry: you are not lost if you exhibit cat behavior. It even has some great advantages. You can stay very true to yourself and guard your own boundaries. You won't easily lose yourself or do things under the influence of a loved one that are not good for you. If you meet a partner who also values his autonomy, then nothing stands in your way of having a great, equal relationship.

But, just like with the dog (really do read that post), there are also some pitfalls for the cat:

1. You find it hard to open up.

You are distrustful of love, so you never dare to fully open the doors. As a result, love cannot flow freely. You do not know the feeling of surrender. You always stay behind your own defensive line and therefore miss out on a lot of love and connection. And that's a shame.

‘A cat thinks that the other should make an effort and will then decide whether she feels like it or not.’

2. You take the other out of their strength.

Because the other always has to try to gauge how things are with you, you can make that person insecure. A cat calmly sits on a shelf watching how her lover works hard for her and then licks her paws. As if the other doesn't even exist. Essentially, you are now mimicking the home situation from the past. Only now you are the parent and you make your partner the attention-seeking child. You do not bring out the best in the other. You understand that yourself.

3. You give up quickly.

Your natural reaction is: I'll do it alone. You feel safer if you are not dependent on your partner in any way. As soon as things get difficult, you tend to walk away or even give up. But: in love, you are dependent. After all, without the other, you have no relationship. It would be nice if you could learn to deal with that and gain the confidence that you will always land on your feet when a relationship goes wrong (you are a cat, right?). Don't give up in advance.

4. You end up in on-and-off relationships.

Do you know the phenomenon that cats always perfectly pick out the people who are not interested in them? Just with that person, they jump on their lap. This can also work that way with people who have this attachment style. At the moment they are in a relationship, the partner is somewhat ignored. The relationship ends because they break it off themselves (because they can do it alone) or because the other is no longer interested (because he gets nothing in return), then they suddenly spring into action. With a real charm offensive, they win the other back, because the other seems so much more attractive to the cat when they are ignored.

5. You are distrustful.

If you meet a partner who loves you for who you are, who is willing to work for you, who wants to give you all the love and attention in the world, you will probably look at that with great distrust. You are not used to that from the past. Your frame of reference is, after all, that of parents who were not attuned to you. If you meet someone who is, you may even find that frightening and suffocating. You will view the other critically and think that there is something wrong with him.

Do you recognize one or more pitfalls in yourself? Don't worry, no one is perfect. Being aware of where things might go wrong for you is already half the battle. Keep loving! And for more insights and wise advice about love, read the book ‘Hotel Hartzeer’ that I wrote with Susan Smit.