Do you want to sleep with me?

Why the Parisienne has a lot of sex

In a red top, red skirt, and black boots, Amélie skims stones across the water of the Canal Saint-Martin. She thinks about how many couples are experiencing an orgasm at that moment in the city of Paris. A good question from the remarkable Amélie Poulain in the film of the same name, because the answer could very well be: more amorous couples than in the Netherlands.

A Dutch woman has an average of 7.3 sexual partners in her life. Not earth-shattering, as research from condom giant Durex shows, because the French population holds the record in the Western world with 17 bed partners. Paris is known worldwide as the city of love; does this fact mean that its inhabitants might also have more (desire for) sex?

Parisienne Nelly Daubigny has her own theory about why French women jump into bed with more men. “Sex is for the French like a cup of coffee or a good bottle of wine, it’s part of life. In France, it’s normal to have a lover besides your husband or wife. And that has nothing to do with betraying your partner. Everyone has one and knows about each other, even the president, but no one talks about it. A man just follows his penis.” François Hollande made the news when he was photographed on his scooter during a possible nighttime visit to his (thirty years younger) mistress. The president has never denied or confirmed the allegations, but the French people were outraged by the images that were spread of him. Not because of his rendezvous, but because a photographer captured him in a sensitive moment. Everyone has the right to privacy, and that applies in France even to the most powerful man in the country. A telling detail is, of course, that the circulation figures of the gossip magazine that made the photos public doubled, but so be it. President Hollande is not alone in his fondness for mistresses, as French history is full of affairs and extramarital consequences from visits outside the marital bed. And that all goes on hidden in plain sight, as the consequences also show up at official state affairs and no one makes a fuss about it.

“My father had a mistress and yet my mother stayed with him.”

With twenty-five years of owning a house in France and a Dutch and French clientele, sexologist Janine Hester is exactly the person we need to address this issue. “The morality surrounding sex is different there. The French president Mitterrand had an affair in plain public, but if Rutte were married and had a mistress, that wouldn’t be possible. When I talk to a French woman about an affair, they are just as sad and angry. The reaction to infidelity is actually the same, only it seems to be more lenient than ours. Among Dutch women, the number one reason for a visit to the sexologist is the lack of desire. In France, it often involves power struggles and whether your man can impose sex on you because it’s part of it.”

Is it perhaps not hot enough between the French sheets at home? That seems plausible, as the partner in crime frequently messes around outside. Nelly: “The sex of a Parisienne doesn’t have to be extreme; it’s not like Patricia Paay situations. It seems as if the sex life everywhere has to be increasingly extreme. Just like with salt on your steak. After a while, the taste disappears, so you want more. Not in France; they just have it a lot, often, and sometimes with a lover. Just like that croissant in the morning, that’s how we’re used to it.” In Paris, it seems everyone is doing it; it’s visible, but not talked about. As if the Dutch no-nonsense mentality applies sexually there. You don’t talk about it, you just do it. You almost start to think that talking about it for us doesn’t ignite desire, while the silence about it for the French actually does.

“The Dutch woman is beautiful, but at a certain point, she puts that big butt in a pair of jeans and doesn’t get out again.”

Sexologist Janine Hester understands that. “In the Netherlands, sex is everywhere: on television, in magazines, online. We are open about sexuality, but you don’t see that in France. Sex is initially just a form of communication, and that’s where you immediately see the difference between a Dutch woman and a Parisienne. We speak a different language. A French woman loves the game and seeks the tension. She wants to be conquered with all the frills and Valentine’s fuss. It turns them on. Our Dutch man is actually quite dull, straightforward, and unromantic, but the men in Paris hold the door open for you with flair. Here, a woman looks for equality, a reliable partner, and even immediately checks if he would be a suitable father. If you dive into history, you see that it can also have to do with religion. Our country has a Protestant nature, but if you look further south, you notice that Catholicism prevails. The Catholics take up more space; it can all be a bit more playful, but then without talking about it.”

Whether the chance of a lover increases also has to do with age. “You definitely see that between thirty and forty-five, the sex life becomes a bit exhausted,” Hester explains. “During the week, you’re working and coming home late, so it quickly becomes Sunday morning sex. But on Sunday morning, a child might crawl in between. And if the game of seduction is played well, as in Paris, you are more open to a lover, and before you know it, you have an affair with your boss.”

“Having a lover outside doesn’t mean you’re leaving your partner.”

Nelly grew up with extramarital relationships. “My father had a mistress and yet my mother stayed with him. I called the mistress aunt, but of course, I knew she wasn’t. Yes, my mother was furious, but she accepted it for sixteen years. The Dutch man or woman immediately thinks: I’ll destroy you if you cheat. And while they are usually calmer than the French, they are not in love and sex. L’amour is like eating and drinking; sex is joie de vivre. You go to work, have lunch with your lover, and book a hotel room. Having a lover outside doesn’t mean you’re leaving your partner.”

“Sex is for the French like a cup of coffee or a good bottle of wine.”

That sexuality is also related to how you look on the outside, Nelly and Janine agree. “The Dutch woman is beautiful, but often forgets that,” says Nelly. “She puts that big butt in a pair of jeans and is no longer coy. Parisiennes are, even at a high age. My grandmother had good and healthy sex until she was eighty. I believe that has to do with each other.” Janine also sees that the Française puts in more effort. “Just look around in Paris on the street. The Parisienne takes care of herself, often goes to the hairdresser. For our Dutch women, the pressure is no longer on eroticism and seduction because the catch is in, and you can see that.”

“The men in Paris hold the door open for you with flair.”

So does the Parisienne really have more sex? “Yes,” says the Parisian Frenchwoman herself. “Absolutely plausible,” also thinks the sexologist. “With all that non-verbal communication in the tension, it could very well be that the game quickly leads to action,” says expert Janine Hester. Another reason to see the Parisienne as an example. You are slim, allowed to smoke, have inherited some couture from grand-maman with a bit of luck, and you have to really go overboard for them to see you as a slut. And when our down-to-earth men say they have too little sex, it’s a faux pas on their part. They should have held the door open for us a bit more often.