THIS IS HOW YOU CLEAN

(Tips for bad housewives)

Hello, you lazy one and long weekend. I'm going to take a good look at you. After I've given my house a thorough cleaning, because that's of course my absolute favorite on a day off (cough, cough). Maybe you already know it, but I am the worst housewife on earth. But really. When my beloved is away for a few days, my house looks like I've let multiple cannons go off. Cups and plates are dirty on the counter, clothing items are everywhere (except in the closet), the contents of my bag are scattered throughout the house and the mail is piled up like a Himalayan mountain on the desk. And I haven't even mentioned the windows, through which you can barely see. By the way, don't think that I don't care, because I find a clean and tidy house a gift. But I would prefer to receive that and not give it.

Decluttering guru Marie Kondo says that not only do you get your house nice and tidy, but you also process your past by decluttering. Look, that's bizarrely efficient. But yes, she also believes that you should thank your belongings for their services. I find that a bit crazy. Thank you, old Converse shoebox. Nah, I don't feel it. But to make your life a bit easier (and mine), I'm going to give you unsolicited cleaning advice now. Because I could use it a bit myself. At least I can pretend from now on that I know how to do it. Not self-invented, but whispered by the professionals at Top Reveal. Here they come.

Make a cleaning plan

Yes, seriously. I've never heard of it either, but do it. Think about what you need to clean and where, how much time you have, and which cleaning products you use. This helps you to be done quickly. Look, that's what we want. And the golden rule in cleaning land is: top first, bottom last. You work from top to bottom, in EVERYTHING. What has priority? Make sure you tackle that first. The inside of your bottom kitchen cabinet can wait until next time.

“The golden rule in cleaning land: top first, bottom last”

Baking soda for the win

Really, I don't understand why this stuff isn't on every supermarket shelf yet. Sprinkle it carefully over your (fabric) couch and it absorbs odors. Let it sit on your stove and it will shine back at you. Throw a bit of it at the bottom of your trash can. If you visit Omaweetraad.nl, this is the number one answer to all your ignorance in cleaning land.

This is how you do that bathroom

Start with the toilet. You park your butt most often on this object and that says enough. While you're cleaning the rest of the bathroom, let things go their way for a bit. Next: the shower. Don't have a supersonic special bathroom cleaner? Just use dish soap, it removes soap residues the best. And are you disgusted by the drain? Soak some toilet paper in vinegar and let it do its work. That drain will shine like it never has before.

Handy helpers

You clean your TV screen with a coffee filter, it works perfectly as a dust cloth. Still some leftovers from your dinner in the microwave? Slide a bowl of water in, microwave it for two minutes and voila, you wipe everything away (except that pizza from six months ago, of course). And does that mirror need to shine? Then clean it with a cloth soaked in the darkest tea, then a round with the tea towel and voilà. Last but not least: the cola bottle. With cola, you can clean burnt pots and pans, but also your porcelain, grease stains, carpet, rust... Actually just your whole house. Trying is at your own risk, by the way.

And the cleaning gurus also remind you: it's better to do a little every day than to clean your whole place once a month. Man, man, man, nobody said it was going to be sexy. If your inner Martha Stewart still isn't getting off that couch, I don't know what else to say.