I say everything I think

(and that's pretty dumb)

Recently, I was laughed at by three strangers. Well, they weren't completely unknown, because after three days of bus riding through Thailand, you share a looooot, I can tell you, but the fact remains: we barely knew each other. Suddenly, there came the comment. “Kiki, do you realize that you say EVERYTHING you think in a day?”

BAM. Only then did it hit me. I felt damn near caught.

I really say everything I think. It echoed in my head for a moment. Everything I think. Everything I think. Really everything. And that might be very exhausting for others. Maybe even for myself. When I'm happy, I shout, when I'm tired, I complain, when I'm panicking, people around me know it for sure, and actually everything in between too. What I eat, what I do, what I like and dislike, everything I see, smell, and feel around me gets named. In the most direct way that comes to mind. Call it impulsive babbling: first talk, then think.

The advantage: I can easily show who I am. No wonder that after a long journalistic search, I ended up at a personality-driven magazine. People can easily hop on the ‘Kiki-bus’: hop on, hop off. I do think that's a nice quality, and that openness also helps me further in my work, I think. But always having an open house can also be a pitfall if you don't take good care of yourself. If you constantly blurt out everything that comes to mind – and also easily blurt out very vulnerable things – you can start to feel unsafe because you don't have a good filter, and others can easily take advantage of that. And it also costs quite a bit of energy.

‘Is it actually bad for you to always say EVERYTHING you think?’

To simplify the issue: see yourself as a house. Some houses have all their windows and doors wide open. That sounds inviting, right? So those doors get trampled. Always a party at the Düren house, bring on the tequila bitches. But to what extent am I actually able to close things up? Or to choose the middle ground, to leave the door ajar? Isn't it nice when a nice breeze comes into your house without you getting hit by the full gust every time?

Is it actually bad for you to always say EVERYTHING you think? Often, I only ask myself afterward whether I told a certain story too quickly to a relatively unknown person. Was this the right person to tell it to? Did I give too much or was it okay? Was this wise? Did I actually feel comfortable with this? For all the impulsive babblers who seem to struggle with this too: maybe you should ask yourself how much of yourself you want to give to the world. Can the visitors to your house immediately go all the way to the master bedroom, or do you only let them in the kitchen? Can they storm in at any moment through the back door, or do you have a bell?

The wonderful thing about writing is that it sometimes works like therapy. What am I going to do? See if I can put a little filter on my babbling. My house is under construction. There will be a stricter door policy in the new home. And, if the new place is nice, there will soon be a housewarming + tequila. Only by invitation, of course. No more Project X scenes for me.