IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND CHEATS

And you know that, and you are also friends with her boyfriend

The mother of all worthless situations. If you have your life pretty much in order, your bestie comes along with a not-so-fresh story: she has cheated. And worse: she is confused because of it. A bit even in love. You get to see photos. Messages that you really don’t want to read. Your girlfriend is high on her energy - just a little longer and she’ll take off - and she can’t really talk about anything else. For form’s sake, she asks how you are doing, but she doesn’t even hear your answer.

Now, normally this would have been completely okay, everyone goes through crises, sometimes you just have to be there for someone, she is always there for you too, were it not that you are also friends with her official boyfriend. What to do?

I have had this situation a few times and believe me: it’s not easy. Especially if your girlfriend’s relationship is suffering and her boyfriend is wondering what on earth is going on with her. Maybe they have already had conversations. And she has said things like: ‘I don’t feel it anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m a bit confused.’ Or: ‘I have stress at work and that’s why I’m so absent.’

If he is very sweet, and he is, because otherwise you wouldn’t be friends with him, he has probably also shown a lot of understanding for her. Maybe he is now trying very hard. Maybe he is forcing himself to give her a bit more freedom. Maybe he has booked a surprise weekend away.

And you are watching how he twists and turns and has no idea what he is fighting against. You want to scream: ‘She is acting so weird because she has someone else, idiot!’ But of course, you don’t tell him that, because yes, she is your bestie.

Wat te doen?

There are a few things you need to realize

1. Your girlfriend is temporarily cuckoo.

2. The chances are high that this relationship will break.

3. You will now have to make a choice.

Your girlfriend is temporarily cuckoo

I’m not making this up, it’s scientifically proven. When you are in love, your brain produces the biochemistry of a cocaine addict. The only thing you are focused on is scoring your shot, everything else is less important. At the moment there is infatuation outside the relationship, these symptoms become even worse. That is not scientifically proven, but it has something to do with forbidden fruits.

Her boyfriend, the friendship with you, her children, her job, or whatever you can think of is just not as interesting at this moment as her lover. She is not consciously choosing this, she is an addict, and therefore not entirely accountable. Only people with extreme willpower can break free from such an addiction. And your girlfriend probably doesn’t have that right now. So be gentle. Or give her tough love. Your choice.

The chances are high that this relationship will break

People never cheat just like that. Usually, there is something wrong in the relationship that the cheater unconsciously wants to escape from. And then falling in love with someone else is a brilliant escape. It doesn’t even have to be big problems. Maybe your girlfriend just found it a bit boring, but didn’t think that was a ‘valid’ reason to leave a otherwise very nice guy.

So there was probably already something wrong and now there is even more wrong. And unless your girlfriend dumps her lover and seriously works on her relationship, it usually doesn’t end well. Either the relationship is breaking now because the affair comes out. Or the relationship ultimately breaks because no one can maintain a healthy relationship and at the same time have a big energy-consuming secret.

You will now have to make a choice

You can’t listen to all the dirty details from your girlfriend one day and then offer a listening ear to her boyfriend the next day. That would be doing violence to yourself. And ultimately, all of this can turn against you enormously. So you will have to make a very clear choice in this. It’s good to know where your loyalty lies. Imagine that you could never see one of these people again, which one would that be?

If you choose your girlfriend, then you better take some distance from her boyfriend. If you choose her boyfriend, then you will have to make that clear to your girlfriend. In the past, the popular stance was that you had to tell your girlfriend that if she didn’t tell it herself, you would tell everything. I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. You can better tell her that if she doesn’t stop the affair, you will be forced to distance yourself from her because your friendship with her boyfriend is dear to you.

You can also choose to take a break from both. That’s allowed. You can’t be the good friend you normally are right now. Moreover, you can ask yourself how nice it is of your girlfriend to involve you in this difficult situation.