IT HURTS SO MUCH

Why everyone should see Heleen van Royen's documentary

You must have lived in a cave if you missed this: Heleen van Royen made a documentary about her mother with dementia. With one camera on a tripod and sometimes even her iPhone, she followed a whole journey from independent living to a care home in her own backyard and from hospital and rehabilitation center to care center De Zonnestraal where her mother still lives. Watch here the trailer.

To be honest, I was a bit apprehensive about watching the docu beforehand because I was afraid it would be very sad. And it was. What struck me the most was, oddly enough, the moment when Heleen's mother eats a peach and enjoys it immensely. A beautiful, loving moment amidst the misery. But ‘It hurts so much’ was - and I really didn't see this coming - also very funny. Heleen's mother is hilarious in all her crankiness. What a wonderful woman! No wonder the documentary was selected for the Rotterdam Film Festival, where it premiered last Saturday.

Now I am a big fan of Heleen because she dares to do things that I don't dare to do but would actually like to. She never wonders what other people think of her, whether it's acceptable or smart, and whether people will stare at her in the Albert Heijn. The work she creates is pure and unencumbered by any self-censorship or ethical norms. Sometimes the results are a bit intense; I mention the bloodied tampon from the series of selfies she made and compiled in the book ‘Selfmade’. Or the life-size picture of her vajayjay that was sold for 850 euros to a collector from the same series (at the exhibition, it hung from the ceiling because ‘then you can see where you come from when you look up’).

“It does something to you. Do you feel it?”

Even while watching ‘It hurts so much’, you don't get the impression that she has acted, withheld, or adjusted anything. She shows how it really went, without makeup, styled outfits, or rehearsed conversations. You rarely get to see such an intimate and honest portrait. Also, compliments to Randolph Mathurin who did the editing. The fragments are well chosen and the film never drags.

I assume you are a bit younger than I am, but we all have to face the fact that our parents will become dependent on help someday. That really makes you think. What are you going to do? I have a lot of respect for Heleen who had a whole living unit placed in the garden for her mother. I do love my mother, don't get me wrong, but this goes quite far. Mom, I will just visit very often, okay?

Then there's this. At the beginning of the documentary, Heleen's mother is in intense pain. She has a worn-out hip and can hardly walk anymore. She keeps repeating as a mantra: ‘Poedepoedepoesjta, poedepoedepoesjta, poedepoedepoesjta, it hurts so much.’ The word ‘poedepoedepoeshta’ means nothing, ‘but it's better than swearing,’ says Heleen's mother. The day after watching the docu, I caught myself also saying ‘poedepoedepoesjta’. And I wondered if there is such a thing as a word addiction. Some words are so nice to say that you can hardly stop repeating them. Just whisper: ‘Poedepoedepoesjta, poedepoedepoesjta, poedepoedepoesjta, it hurts so much.’ It does something to you. Do you feel it?

And now quickly to the cinema to see this documentary.