Kiki's Expedition Robinson Babble
(week 15)
A very good morning, my Expedition Ettertjes. Live from Dubai this time. Yes, I saw that snow and it was a case of: goodbye, bye! Just five days to stimulate the brain and fill the nostrils with cultural sniffs. By the way, I received dozens of semi-worried messages on Insta Stories over the past two days, but no panic no panic: there is one program on Dutch television that always takes precedence. Because wherever I am on this planet... I. Must. Babble.
My goodness, we are already on day 31 of the Expedition. Those very last bits that are mentally and physically the hardest. If King Kong Brace had reached this phase, he would have lost 23 kilos for sure. Lil’ Kleine would have missed out on 6 tons in booking costs, Imke's eyebrows would have almost been wiped away and people would almost know who Henk Poort is by themselves. Almost. Anyway, the team that is still in the game is getting smaller by the minute. We started last night with banana thief Carlito, vinex builder Kaj, crab whisperer Niels, schizophrenic Soundos (from little devil to angel, how?) and my little pony Shellebel, but in the end only the three finalists remained. If you don't want spoilers: now is the time to click away, you know. Still here? Fun. For the second-to-last time this season (crying time): I watched Expedition Robinson and this is what I thought:
1. Okay okayyyyy, miauwww, Nicolette goes tiger print. Nice scarf around the head and wrist, you know. Nelletje Veerkamp would have been proud. Purrfect.
2. If we were to hand out TV awards for this year, I hereby nominate in the category Most Unexpected Sentence of 2017: ‘Hi, I’m Soundos, half finalist of Expedition Robinson.’ #waartweehondenvechtenoméénbeen…
3. HAHAHA. Carlos is just stealing the food boxes at the Apenheul, that crazy guy. The height of cuteness is that he is an honest thief. Carlos at the ING in Oldenzaal: ‘Hi. I just wanted to say that I accidentally took €189,000 home with me last week. Do with it what you want, but just so you know, it was me.“ Buddy, you are too good for this world.
4. Wow. That Expedition really shouldn't last much longer. My friend Kaj is getting a druggie look, man. And FINALLY the Last Man Standing test is coming. And is it just me or is that little figure quite creepy?
5. Diehard Robinson or not, Niels remains a weird guy. Look, the fact that he ritualistically licks that oil pot before the test starts is already weird enough, but for the sharp-eyed viewers: there are ants on it. I'm not joking, people. Please watch it three times on RTL XL: you see the ants DISAPPEAR IN HIS MOUTH as he licks. Help. Really help here. ANT-EATER NIELS. I just can’t.
6. AAAAH. Most sympathetic moment of the Expedition: Kaj wanting to cheer after winning the test against Niels but not doing it. I find that sweet. Mister ant-eater puts on his red djellaba again and heads to Catanawan for the semi-final test.
7. Just a little call from me to the Salvation Army for Soundos; do you happen to have any clothes left? That poor woman is wearing men's clothes. Noodle soup? No, she doesn't like that. No, those are already on her head, that joke has already been made, people, stay alert.
8. Island vacancy. Wanted: Filipino SM mistress who can handle rope well for a game show for Dutch television. No reimbursement of expenses available. Payment in kind possibly upon request. If interested, please email d.weening.eilandscharrels@live.nl.
9. This is how we know Niels the almighty ant-eater again: “I see next to me that the wrong tactic is being applied. That there is pulling while you actually need to create some slack with your belly so there is more room to let the knot loosen.” That dude is going to seriously tell the game creators that the knot actually doesn’t quite follow the official sailor's rules. Honestly, you can see him doing it.
10. BLINKS THREE TIMES. I am in the fucking desert. That’s just it. They call it a mirage, Kiek. DID SOUNDOS JUST SOLVE THAT PUZZLE FIRST? And is she also winning the test? Holy mowzers, ‘she gallops with her knobby knees into the final’. Twitter is going wild. And is she now stabbing herself with the knife in her hand? The poop is ON people (the shit is ‘on’ is so 2016, you should know).
11. It’s unbelievable. A somewhat surprised Dennis: “Uh, Soundos, that means you get to go to finalist island, to Kaj!” HAHAHA. So looking forward to this. Soundos in the final. It’s almost too brilliant. Dictator mother goose transforms into a calm everyone’s friend. For the people at home: this is what editing can do to your image. What a plot twist!
12. Riddle. It’s a cross between the devil, Pino, Sinterklaas, and Santa Claus and she has undoubtedly been hired to cause chaos until the end. Guess who it is? No, just kidding, let’s give a bow to the Soundosaurus, because despite the fact that we were bashing her on social media the past weeks, she has pulled it off. And honestly: the highlight of my evening was seeing her run.
13. In a split second, it crosses my mind how not entirely fair it is to let a final spot depend on a test that someone (hi Carlos) has already done twice and the rest hasn’t. Just a moment, production, how does that work exactly? Oh you know, fuck it, he’s the funniest. I get it.
14. Poor Niels. Mister Robinson looks like Doctor Bibber on that beam and is the first to fly out. And now I’m starting to feel sympathy for him again towards the end. Well, he is a truly Robinson-worthy guy. And god yes, also a round of applause for Shelly the pusbil, because she has done well too. OH NO I FEEL WITH EVERY SENTENCE THAT THE END IS NEAR.
15. I also want to participate in Robinson. Even if it’s just to shout every time someone wants to touch you: ‘I STINK, I STINK’. Ideal.
16. You just gotta love social media. “So Kaj. What have you done at Expedition Robinson?” Oh just a few tests, a lot of extra food, reading out a lot of tests. And oh yeah. I got to hold a stick.” HAHA.
17. My life just clicked back into place when Carlos opened that box with those burgers and beers. Beautiful television, really not normal.
18. What are we raffling this week on my Instagram account @kikiduren (follow, it’s fun) ? Absolutely nothing. Yes people, you either have a vacation or you don’t. But on my Insta Stories, you will find a backstage snapshot of how the babbling goes in the hotel room in Dubai. Also fun.
WAAAAH. Next week same place same time here for the final? I have a feeling that’s going to be a hit. Will it be Mi Boy Carlos? (as Imke would say now: COME ON KAHLOSCH!) Will it be Kaj? Or will it be underdog/spirit animal Sounnie? Either way: heart at the bottom if you can’t wait and will cry next week when this adventure is over. Hey, what? Freedom? What-the-fuck am I going to do on Thursday night/Friday morning?
