Amayzine

Typical male jokes about being on your period

Seriously, I'm talking about a bloody serious problem here. Those men of ours seem to get quite uncomfortable around the whole phenomenon of menstruation. That time of the month brings together a number of things that men have traditionally found complicated: femininity, sexuality, blood, and your vajayjay. And yes, you can see that reflected in the bad jokes.

We women prefer to call a spade a spade. We are menstruating, yes. There is blood coming out – yes, that, yes. Sometimes we want to make our monthly mother nature a bit cuter; then we say we are on our period. Or in an old-fashioned way: grandma is visiting. Men, on the other hand, are a bit less subtle. Time for a round of jokes and jests in a manly way. How do they spread the news? Like this.*

* (Just squeeze three hundred brain cells in your head and you’re at this level. Maybe.)

  1. ‘HIDE! THE RUSSIANS ARE HERE! RUNNNN!’
  2. ‘Well, we can't have sex right now because my lady is ‘on the red’.’ Just imagine a blood-ordinary accent like Dave Roelvink and the party is complete.
  3. ‘For women, salary and menstruation are about the same: it comes once a month and lasts about a week.’
  4. In the category of thinking it through: ‘Having a bloody lip.’ Only men can come up with that. Really.
  5. Riddle: it runs through the meadow and helps when you have your period? Answer: Tampon... (you can't make this up, people, you can't make this up)
  6. ‘Do you still have a Dracula's teabag hanging between your legs?’ THE. HORROR.
  7. ‘A real pirate also sails through the red sea.’
  8. ‘There are painters visiting.’ Yep. You can guess three times what color the wall will be.
  9. ‘The MKZ has started again.’ (Monthly Cunt Mess)
  10. ‘The Japanese flag is out.’ Hmm, I can still appreciate that as a travel geek.
  11. For the Michelangelo's among us: being on the red splatter. HAHA.
  12. Yep, I really heard it in my circle of friends recently. ‘My girlfriend is leaking from below.‘ Crying.
  13. ‘My girlfriend is just bloody annoying for the next five days. From the hole below AND above.’ Ouch, there's the door, buddy.
  14. Why can an elephant never menstruate? Answer: do you see an elephant walking with a mattress between its legs? (oh boy, men, what a killer, I'm almost tearing up)
  15. ‘No, shit man, that's not happening for me this weekend. The bridge is closed for maintenance.’
  16. Or even worse: ‘She has her monthly oil change.’
  17. ‘She has signed up with the Red Cross.’
  18. ‘THE TOMATO SOUP IS OVERCOOKED YUCK YUCK YUCK.’ From this point, I can't take it anymore. I'm out.

P.S.: Anyone up for something feminine, cozy? High tea or something? Cuddling cats, eating chocolate cookies? Crafting with sanitary pads, something? Sounds like a good plan. I'll refresh my oil first.