WHEN YOUR FRIENDS' BABIES ARRIVE

(and what you think about it)

Three years ago, the first baby entered my squad, a bizarrely handsome young man with blue eyes and blonde curls. I didn't know it then, but that's how he has turned out these days. Then came another boy, another boy, then a girl, and then another boy. Yes, we have quite a few boys, so keep your girls safe at home (that's my advice). But if you don't have anything in the crib yourself, then many things are new. And incomprehensible. So you're going to think the craziest things, like this.

1. First of all, you think: hoooooly guacamoly. Because kids are coming, and you used to talk about that, but that was back then (as in: it feels like yesterday). Back then, everyone said they wouldn't be having kids for another ten years... Oh meine lieben, that's ten years ago. And now it's real. A baby, with ten fingers and ten toes. If he's a bit good-looking, of course. Ho-ly-gua-ca-mo-ly.

2. Do I have to now? They probably think I have to now. But I have no desire. And yet they think it. I'm just going to tell every random passerby I run into that I don't want to. And will I still see them? Can we still drink a lot? Do I have to go to kids' birthday parties now?

3. And how much do the parents-to-be change? Yes, because the question is not if, but by what percentage. There's a grape on the way, and it's turning the carefree existence upside down.

4. Is size 56 small? It seems tiny to me. And how fast does such a little one actually grow? Otherwise, I'll buy something ridiculously expensive now, and he won't fit into it in two weeks. You know what? I'll buy it a size up. A size 74 or something. Spoiler, don't do this. Then the little one can only wear it when it's hopelessly outdated and out of fashion. You don't want that, because your hot outfit should come first. Just grab a size 56 or 58. Or she must have just given birth to a toddler.

5. In random stores with children's clothing: oooooh, this onesie is in a slightly lighter shade of blue than the one I already bought and is also super cute. Well, then I'll just take that one. After all, I'm only going to be a sugar aunt five, six, or seven times, a bankrupt sugar aunt to be precise.

6. When they go to swimming lessons with the stuff, they all have to wear those ugly blue bags over those fabulous pumps. It's a shame, an absolute shame. And they have to deal with that chlorine smell. The horror. Just like that diaper bag, you suddenly have to be practical. It seems that May can give you good tips in the land of diaper bags, just look here.

7. A stroller is just as expensive as a falling-apart car from ten years ago. And you don't just pick one, but you go to a baby world to test drive. Those things actually have a turning radius; my bike could learn a thing or two from that. But until this point in your ignorant life, you had no idea, just no idea.

8. The towers of bottle feeding look suspiciously like the containers of garlic sauce from your local shawarma shop. There is such a thing as a hunger kick, and that cute little thing will cry very loudly during your lunch. And a baby prefers to spit on your favorite blouse, but really.

9. Think before you start. I mean holding the little grape. If you have the great honor of cuddling that new life, then I warn you in advance. After an hour, your arm feels a bit numb, and when it starts to tingle, you need to hand that little one back to mom very quickly.

10. Don't drop it! But really, don't drop it.