18 things I thought during my yoga retreat

And then you suddenly find yourself on that yoga mat, on the crazily beautiful veranda overlooking the frolicking wildlife of Mhondoro Safari Lodge, zooming through the African open-air museum and pinching yourself every five minutes because everything is so beautiful. And then you think things. A thousand things. A selection:

1. Meditating in half lotus position on a stone in the middle of the wilderness. This is the pinnacle of zen.
2. Gets up at four next to the bed. Looks at the watch at nine. The day lasts forever.
3. I am not a drinker. I pour myself a glass of wine every now and then but can also go weeks without it. And now I want wine. No, I *must* have wine.
4. Putting a super deluxe coffee machine in the room of someone who is detoxing is pure bullying.
5. Why can you stare out at the animal kingdom for half an hour while it’s pouring from the sky, while in the Netherlands you get nervous after five minutes of sitting still?
6. So I can actually survive four days without the gym.
7. In my next (read: grown-up) house, I want an outdoor shower. Uh. With heaters above it, due to lack of African sun.
8. Okay, so I am hungry. Did I really say that? That it would ever come out of my mouth…
9. But this is how big an elephant really is. And that trunk too. And that other uh, as well.
10. Doing breathing exercises in a place where a lion was just spotted. Relaxing, you say? Breathe in, breathe out.
11. Day five no meat. I think I could actually become a vegetarian. Three minutes later; they serve the tastiest steak tartare here, you say? Delicious, I’ll have that.
12. Wearing leopard yoga leggings while going on a walking safari is not such a good idea.
13. Is that elephant drinking from my pool or am I swimming in its drinking trough?
14. Goes to sleep with the doors open because it’s warm. Gets up to close the doors because what if I get a visit from a monkey tonight. Or a lion. Or a cheetah. Turns on the air conditioning.
15. Grabs that tiny last little slice of gluten-free bread on the plate after four days of detox on the last day. And I never eat bread. Gluten-free, cork-dry but hey… it’s bread!
16. Do I want to hold that chameleon, you say? Do they have the same effect as frogs? Come here so I can kiss you…
17. What do I feel there? Are they butterflies? No handsome man to be found here.
18. I am in love, guys. That it would ever happen…