20 things that flash through your mind when you fly

If you're reading this, I'm in Italy. At least, if point four of my list hasn't come true. Because even though I have no fear of flying at all, this all goes through my mind as soon as I fasten my seatbelt.

1. Does that flight attendant have a device that shows whether your seatbelt is fastened? I always put mine on obediently, but one of my children sometimes forgets, and you can bet that the flight attendant will come over.

2. That seatbelt, is it really going to help us? I mean: if we're going down, we're going down. Big time. But well, it doesn't bother me, so I put it on obediently.

3. That cigarette signal, why is it still there? How long has it been since you could no longer smoke on planes? How long are we going to keep saying that it's not allowed? You wouldn't say that you can't inject heroin into your eyeball, just to name a random example?

4. The first five minutes are crucial: that's when most accidents are said to happen.

5. I hear a strange noise.

6. Do other people hear that too?

7. How are the flight attendants doing?

8. They're acting normal. Nothing to worry about. Breathe out.

9. They say that if you're outside the plane and the doors open, you'll faint from the stench we all produce here. Could that really be true?

10. I'm craving tomato juice.

11. Everyone seems to be ordering tomato juice on the plane.

12. A colleague recently said that you shouldn't order tomato juice because it makes you gassy.

13. Are we going to stink because of that tomato juice?

14. Ah, here comes the tax-free cart. Is that still relevant? Is there anyone who buys anything from that?

15. Need to pee. Is it really true that your pee falls down through a hatch? No way, right? That's just a tall tale?

16. We're going to descend. They're not going to clap, are they?

17. Oh right, your phone on airplane mode. As if that matters, you have no reception anyway.

18. Suppose we crash, was this trip worth it then?

19. What nonsense. The chance of a car accident is greater.

20. We've landed. Why isn't the wifi working yet???