A letter to all separating people

Dear separating you,

Let me start by saying that I know you have done everything you can to make your marriage work and that I truly understand that after yet another failed couples therapy, you realize that the cookie is simply crumbled. Divorce is sad, but at the same time a step in the right direction: an awesome future is waiting for you, I am sure of it. There is just one thing... Or maybe there are two, three, or four: the children. The most important and at the same time the most difficult chapter in a divorce.

‘My name is David, I am 22 years old and my parents are divorced.’ I read an assignment from my brother who is starting his new semester. The A4 paper is tripled in the printer, which suddenly ends up in my hands. I could cry. Our parents have been divorced for twelve years. Twelve years. The fact that the divorce still has such an impact on him is really hard to swallow. The moment we heard that our parents were getting divorced was like a nightmare that became reality. Our safe haven, us four under one roof: it is no more. And now I don't want to be dramatic, but believe me: as a child, it feels like your life is completely collapsing.

So to give that nightmare of your child a beautiful happy ending, I am sharing my checklist today. Because from marriage I may not know much, but from my parents' divorce, I have learned enough as a teenager. I hope to help you. Here they come:

The conversation

There probably isn't a perfect way to tell your child that you are getting divorced. There must be a manual to score or a huge long list of tips to Google, but it remains just really tough. What it ultimately comes down to? Having the conversation as a family. No matter how angry you may be at each other, try to be there for each other as a family and stand up for each other during unjust accusations.

But straight to the point

‘Dad and mom are getting divorced.’ There is no beating around the bush. The ins and outs and extramarital affairs may be left aside, but be clear about the message and don't beat around the bush.

Talk and listen

Answer questions as honestly as possible and also accept that it may take some time for the news to sink in. Sometimes parents tend to downplay the problem or give false hope that things will be okay again, but be honest about this too.

Don't argue with each other in front of your child

Seems like a logical thing to do.

Gossiping like this

Whatever you do, badmouthing your partner is a no-go. It often only makes the situation worse. It is completely understandable that you feel the need to talk about ’that jerk’, but never do that around your children. Just go visit your friends. So also don't whisper on the phone, secretly in the hallway, or in the back of the garden; we hear so much more than you think. I am living proof of that.

In love with someone else? Take off those rose-colored glasses

Priority is now your family first. No matter how in love you may have become with someone else, it is not very wise to share that love with your kids.

Contentious divorce

Is it going to be a contentious divorce? Never forget that a lawsuit is meant for adults, no kids allowed. Making your child feel like they have to choose between parents is the worst thing ever.

Everything is family

Try to see and speak to grandparents, aunts, uncles, and everyone in between in exactly the same way as before the bomb exploded. Was there weekly FaceTime with a favorite aunt? Then let that remain so; nothing is better than a close family during the tough times of a divorce.