Hi, the name is J.Lo

Sometimes I secretly wonder if there isn't just a misgrown little penis hidden away inside me. Maybe somewhere under my armpit. It can't be that as a woman you've never been to a decent hairdresser?

It's my honor to introduce you today to our brand new editor: Kiki from the block. You can also call her J.Lo, because since her last visit to the hairdresser, she really responds to that name. Now, that visit to the hairdresser didn't go without a hitch, I can tell you. This is what I thought when I sat down in the infamous hairdresser's chair.

1. Okay, so I want to dye my hair. Lighter. Would it be very embarrassing if I showed a picture of Jennifer Lopez now? A bit of balayage, a bit of highlights. And also that butt, please. Especially the last one.

2. How many J.Lo’s would actually leave here in a day?

3. Is it very normal that I want to run away now that I've heard that I'm going to be here for at least three more hours and what the price of this joke is?

4. How many necks has this apron already been on? Don't. Think. About it.

5. For men with a pointy Adam's apple, such an apron is really hell on earth.

6. Here comes the dye. And it's uh, blue. And smells like hell. Is this really normal?

7. What does an average highlight strand actually look like?

8. Okay, I can't go back. It's in. I'm doomed. I'm going to look like a zebra.

9. I'm texting Lil. ‘LIL, I'm in the foil. Dozens of strands. And it's HEAVY on my neck. I feel like a little green man.’

10. Lil is laughing at me.

11. Okay, note to self: if you go to the hairdresser at 11 o'clock and you're there for several hours: bring SOME FOOD next time. But seriously. I'm almost snoring off that chair.

12. ‘It's still a bit light now. We're going to determine the color with a toner later.’ The foil comes off and I look like a famous porn star from the Balkans. At that moment, I'd rather stand on twenty pointy Lego blocks than sit at the hairdresser's.

13. On to project sink.

14. I'll give you fifty euros if you keep going with this scalp massage for a bit longer.

15. What am I saying? A hundred.

16. Although I might get a neck hernia from this shit.

17. Once back in the chair, the hairdresser and I find the balayage transition still a bit too harsh. Do I want some extra babylights? Yes, I do.

18. Do I also have an extra hour and a half, because that's how long it's going to take.

19. Again craving twelve Lego blocks.

20. Whether it's the food shortage or it's normal to look like a skeleton at the hairdresser. WHAT a light.
21. I'm officially too deaf to have a conversation with an industrial hairdryer at full volume next to my head.

22. The idea that I would just ‘pop’ to the hairdresser suddenly seems ridiculous.

23. I've officially been here longer than half a workday.

24. Foil session two comes off. Okay, the ultra-blonde has thank god made way for the chestnut brown. Wooooow, is that me?! Quite a change. But really cool, I must say!

25. From now on, I officially may never cut my bangs myself again.

26. Once outside: I suddenly feel like taking a selfie. A party. A date. Hey Jennie, heeeeeey gurllll, YOU. LOOK.GREAT!