Amayzine

I am ashamed of Waylon

No, usually the semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest is not something I follow closely, but last night I was really looking forward to it. I mean: nothing is as exaggerated, vulgar schadenfreude as the Song Contest. Just because of the screaming hosts, fake eyelashes, screaming dragons, and fire-breathing grandmas. Musically, it remains an interesting phenomenon. Seeing which artists the countries push forward as their ‘showpieces’. And no, I wouldn't have a judgment about it beforehand. I would just calmly watch first. So I did. And made some notes. In case you missed it: here you are in two minutes.

  1. Norway: handsome boy, incredibly boring song. With his ‘air guitar’.
  2. Romania: please leave the masks at home next time.
  3. Serbia: a kind of Balkan sheep bleat echo through Serbian Charlie's Angels.
  4. San Marino: just a eh, singer from Malta, a rapper from Germany, and some robots. Odd.
  5. Denmark: Piet Piraat seems to have walked straight out of Game of Thrones.
  6. Russia: couldn't they think of something better for that wheelchair than that exploding volcano?
  7. Moldova: hysterical wannabe musical/puppet show with cheap party store clothing and a three-door problem. “What a BACKWARD mess this is.” And if Sander says it, then it's true.
  8. Netherlands: Jesus Waylon, you are so good. Yes sorry, but this is really better than that other screaming?! Pure as f*ck! What a hero!
  9. Australia: Still vague that this country is allowed to participate at all. A final-worthy song.
  10. Georgia: two men doing opera, yawn.
  11. Poland: guy sings off-key with a little hat.
  12. Malta: wow, what visuals. As compensation for the bad voice?
  13. Hungary: MAKE IT STOP PLEASE MY EARS ARE BLEEDING.
  14. Latvia: why does that chick in the red dress put on such a sleepy, fake sexy voice?
  15. Sweden: wannabe Justin Bieber meets Justin Timberlake.
  16. Montenegro: for when we weren't tired of the Balkan ballad yet! # Yawn.
  17. Slovenia: Finally something with spice. Nice chick though. Too bad about the pink braid. And the chorus.
  18. Ukraine: Man with creepy contact lens. Brrr.

What. A. Joke. This. And during the results, getting nervous too, huh? Oh, eight countries have already been mentioned. This isn't going to happen anymore... Too bad. Number nine already known. Oh, the presenters also say that the tenth place goes to someone else. Waylon appears again looking pitifully hopeful. The host clears her throat... And the last one that goes to the final is... The Netherlands!! Wait, whut? MY GOD! WAYLON! Oooooh, look how proud he looks. YES HEHE. I find it embarrassing to feel, but suddenly patriotism is running high in my living room. Didn't the Common Linnets also get mentioned last in 2014 by the way? ‘That's not necessarily good for your heart haha, but wow are we happy,“ says a proud Waylon. Long story short? I was a bit shocked by this. Really sincere. And I feel embarrassed for Waylon. As in: vicarious embarrassment. He must also ask himself what the hell he is doing among all those off-key singing eppos? Anyway: Saturday is the final, Waylon is 23rd of the 26 countries and he is exactly scheduled for top favorite Cyprus. Waylon... grab them, tiger. And if this becomes one big embarrassment, will you please settle for a second place from now on?

P.S.: Oh and, if you ever get tired of that panther coat, can I have it?

P.P.S.: Are you watching on Saturday too? Scroll through Twitter during the broadcast especially at #esf18 to completely crack up.