I. HAVE. SKIN FLU.

yes, it apparently exists

Greece, April 19, 14:23. Lilian and I are changing in the hotel room and suddenly I see some red spots on my chest in the mirror. A kind of circles. “Um, Lil, have you ever seen this?” She studies the spots intently. “Hmm, maybe from the sun? It looks a bit like eczema or something.”

“Oh, it will probably go away soon,” I say. I actually never have problems with my skin and it does look like some sort of sun allergy. The next day I wake up and shit- do the spots seem to have doubled? Once back in the Netherlands, they even quintupled. My whole belly and back are covered. The hypochondriac in me is working overtime. With horror, I study the spots in the mirror. Pinkish circles with a light flake here and there. The horror. Looks like ringworm. A flesh-eating bacteria. Ugh, here we go again, guys. I see in front of me who will come to my funeral. No one in black, because I would forbid them. No, dress code yellow if possible. Will it rain? Preferably not. I don't do coffee, I'd rather have gin tonics. And if there has to be cake, then red velvet from De Drie Graefjes in Amsterdam. You will feast.

Okay… back to reality. So I go to the doctor, she takes a two-second glance at my belly and then says in a tone where I can't feel at all whether this is good or bad: “Oh yes, I see it.” “And?” I ask worriedly. “Pityriasis rosea.” “WHAT THE PITA?!” I want to make a comment that the only pita I know is ‘pita cheese’, but thank god I swallow it down. “Pityriasis rosea is commonly referred to as skin flu. It is not dangerous or contagious, it goes away on its own and there is actually nothing you can do about it.”

The good news? I'm not going to die. The bad news? I have skin flu. I don't know if anyone here has ever heard of it, but I find it a puzzling thing. Let's line up the facts.

What the heck is skin flu?

• Skin flu mainly occurs in young people (75% is between 10 and 35 years old, peaking around 23 years). Women have it slightly more often than men.
• Scattered across the body, especially on the torso, pink-red scaly spots appear that may itch slightly.
• It starts with one larger ‘mother spot’, after which dozens of daughter spots appear a week later, mainly on the torso, upper arms, and thighs. (why does this sound like a reproduction episode on Discovery Channel and is happening on my skin? HELP.).
• Your face remains (but that is really the only advantage of this whole damn skin flu) thank god spared from spots, just like your hands and feet.
• In temperate and cold regions, skin flu occurs more often in the colder half of the year (that fucker doesn't care about me, it pops up in the middle of summer).
• Treatment for skin flu is not necessary, and also not really possible. Once you've had it, you usually don't get it again (the chance of that is 2 percent).

Good. In the category ‘you didn't know it existed but it apparently does’: skin flu. A kind of chickenpox for adults then. Here we go again. How long will this joke last? On average another month from this moment. So, if you see me walking in a turtleneck in the middle of summer soon, then you know why. Sigh.

With friendly yet grumbling regards,

Kiki Paniekie with skin flu.