If your friend is seriously ill

10 things you (shouldn't) do

In my first job in the magazine world, she sat across from me. Fluffy hair and soft cheeks, and at least once an hour we burst out laughing. Our paths separated and crossed again. But suddenly Griep (that's her name) was sick. And it wasn't just a flu. No, Griep had cancer. It was serious.

In the meantime, the fluffy hair is back and laughing, we have fortunately always done that. She said goodbye to the wig and welcomed a book: ‘Dear Facebook friends, I have breast cancer’. That Griep is not the type to ‘wrap a bunch of cloths around it’. Straightforward, that's our Griep.

So that book. It sucks you in. Of course, you will buy it, read it, and give it as a gift to people who need it, but for now, I will treat you to 10 lessons from a chapter that you might benefit from the most. Because what should you do when a loved one is taken by that monster called cancer? By the way, I will also supplement her tips with some personal experiences I have learned from experience.

1. Give attention

Flowers, gifts, cards... Give generously and often. But don't call all the time. It's already so exhausting, and the last thing you want is to have to give live press releases about yourself all day. Let the contact moment be up to the other person.

2. Don't expect answers or thank yous

This also applies to new mothers. Know that the other person was really, truly, sincerely very happy with your card, but life is a bit heavy for her right now. So don't get angry if she doesn't immediately send a happy message or post everything on Instagram and Facebook. Really, she loves you. You don't need that thank you to know that.

3. Never say this

Don't start talking about this and that person who had the same thing and unfortunately it didn't end well. And maybe don't say that you know so many people who ended up being fine, because that could also downplay the patient's sadness and fear.

4. Don't say this either

Almost everyone says: ‘You can always call me’ or: ‘If there's anything, just call!’, but in practice, you don't really do that. The offer is too big to dare to make real use of it. When Caroline Griep was asked: ‘What do you need?’ it was concrete, which allowed her to ask for something real. Well, she needed a weekly ride to her fitness in the hospital. And that became their joint outing.

5. Ask if you can do something when you visit

The patient (terrible word by the way) won't ask for it themselves, but if you suggest making the bed or refreshing the water for the flowers, you will make the other person so happy. Otherwise, a visit is exhausting; now the other person benefits from it.

6. A cooking schedule

How wonderful if there is a fresh meal for you every day? Your friends will love to do something concrete for you, and you won't have to do any grocery shopping or cooking. And you get spoiled every day with something delicious because everyone is of course trying their best.

7. Also tell

Even though the sick person is ill, that doesn't mean they don't want to listen to your complaints. They probably love to hear about that hassle with that annoying colleague and your troublesome teenager.

8. Go together

Only if the sick person likes it, but it can be fun (or at least more fun) to go to chemo together. Meanwhile, watch a series and chat. Make something of it.

9. And then something else

Don't treat the patient like a toddler right away. They may be sick, but they're not stupid. So assume that they make their decisions thoughtfully and don't keep questioning whether they are with the right doctor, etc. If they feel good about it, then you should too.

10. Be patient

When the other person is healed, it’s not over yet. For many women, the hardest part begins then. So much falls away in your life (the cooking club, the attention, the visits to the hospital) and suddenly you are left there, still totally weakened with an empty agenda and all the people around you moving on to the next thing. Be aware of that and keep that cooking club going for a while longer.

‘Dear Facebook friends, I have breast cancer’ is available at Dutchbook.

Image: Instagram of Caroline Griep