Kiki's Expedition Robinson Babbles

Hey islanders of mine. It’s quite an adjustment, isn’t it, such an episode of Expedition Robin without Corry? It’s time for the day of judgment. The I have to sit on the fuckin’ freakin’ table merging. Give a group of people 17 days with hardly any food, let them then smash burgers and beers and watch them puke in the bushes. Sounds almost like a torture scene from SAW 9 (yes, apparently there are 8 parts of that horror shit made). Oh, and speaking of horror: Dennis Weening will no longer present Ex Rob next year.

Am I the only one who has to get used to this news? What the fuck, production? I can’t imagine Robinson without our Hague tattoo boy anymore. Den, forevah in onzah hartah hoor gozah. You will be missed big time.

Well then, shall we? I watched episode 8 yesterday and this is what I thought…

1. Aaah. Poor Johnny Kraaijcrab. All alone on Devil's Island. ‘I can cross that off my bucket list.’ BUCKET LIST. Most beloved.

2. Nico comes with the legendary words: ‘Just put your bandanas on the ground. From now on, the fight is individual.’ The one who finishes last will not join the merging dinner. It wasn’t a complicated test: carrying tubes of water over a balance beam and climbing rope.

3. Dennis explains it quickly on television for us nice viewers. In reality, such a test explanation often takes a quarter to half an hour, after which candidates can ask questions so that it is ultimately clear to everyone what he/she has to do. Greg was just pooping at that moment. You get it.

4. The big question is: how many bottles of Go-Tan will be on the dining table at the merging dinner? And how is our big friend Han the wokman doing?

5. And no, that’s not a local chef, okay. Han is just a Dutchman! And I found him on YouTube and you’re going to crack up check hierrrrrr.

6. Who feels like spare ribs? Well, not Ozgur. HAHAHA.

7. Sjooo, Nienke is flawlessly ATTACKED by Greg's chicken breast. ‘Godver de GODVER’, yes, we get it, Nienke. What a fucked up tactic of his…

8. The tweet that sums it all up. ‘You all made it, except Nienke. You’re through, except Nienke. You’re going to the merging dinner, with the exception of Nienke. You’re going to eat deliciously, except Nienke.’
9. Struggling with jealousy and control issues when sharing love? In the online course ‘mastering jealousy’ you learn to share love without jealousy, back to self-love. 777 euros, three personal conversations. Bargain, Laurie!

10. And yes, the cards have been shuffled again…
Robin: 4 votes (goes to Finalist Island)
Loiza, Jody, and Ozzy: 3 votes.
Stijn, Dominique, and Jan: 2 votes.
Steven, Laurie, and Gregory: 1 vote.
Nienke, on to Devil's Island: 0 votes.

11. But thank god for us, Johnny is no longer alone. He comes to pick up Nienke with a big smile. OMG, I just love John. How he immediately takes over that bag, what a gentleman.

12. John is really bummed that he doesn’t get any burgers. Oh wait, here comes that ‘nice, tall thing.’ Hey Nico! Still food for Devil's Island? Without maggots? Awh. The makers are not unyielding. Five glasses of red wine on the side, hoppatee. And then those twinkling eyes of Nienke. Can this woman please win?

13. Okay, forget what I said. The makers are ruthless. Sadistic. The sleep test is on the menu. As a dessert, yes. ‘Whoever stays awake the longest wins,’ Nicolette whispers self-satisfied. Her inner dominatrix comes up. ‘Just give me your torch, John, and go lie down for a bit.’

14. The same dominatrix is spinning on her legs five hours later and is heavily grumpy, HAHAHA. Can you imagine that the camera crew has also just sat there for five hours? Nienke and John are SUCH warriors, it’s unprecedented.

15. To speed up one of the longest tests in the history of Robinson, the rules are changed. Hold a one-kilo ball above your sleeping hammock with your arm extended for as long as possible. Nienke is struggling a lot. John is starting to sweat. Nienke is starting to tremble. They are evenly matched. This is taking too long. Very long. HELP MAN, even I’m sitting here with sweat beads on the couch. My god, how intense this is. It’s getting freaking light outside.

16. John can’t take it anymore and lets go of the ball. Nicolette is silent from their fight. So am I. We all are. What freaking tigers they were, hey, not normal.

17. The last jungle gossip of 2018: the house on Finalist Island is made possible by Corry Konings B.V. By the way, that Robinson Crusoe book is genius, Cor!

18. What we are giving away this week on my Insta @kikiduren Three packs of chicken breasts with ‘Greg’ marinade, an evening of whip cracking and candle dripping with Nico and last but not least: an all-nighter with Nienke and Johnny.

P.S.: Legends say that Nienke and Johnny are still awake to this day… Oehoehoehoe, spooky.

P.P.S.: Big fat heart at the bottom if you also want a John in your life. As a dad, neighbor, uncle, I don’t freaking care. WE LOVE JOHNNY.