Kiki’s Expeditie Robinson Brabbels: THE FREAKING FINALE!

Okay, give me a moment... HAHAHA. Fly, girlfriends, fly! Oh look, there they go. Labia totally laughed out of my thong. They are probably flying from Bali towards the Gili Islands now. They are right. May they fly in peace. The unexpected happened. How then. HOW can someone who never wins a challenge suddenly shine in the semi-final and final? Jan just pulled a Soundosje.

‘No way, we’re not voting Jan out, right? Then we have a much better chance in the final.’ Ha. Ha-ha. HAHAHA.

What a farmer boss. If anyone has outsmarted the whole island gang of misery, it’s that Big Friendly Giant with shoe size 46. I think we all had a goosebumps moment yesterday. Live from the Ziggo Dome, there was finally that grand finale, with the underdog as the winner of this season. So plot twist-worthy that you could almost cry. As a crown on sixteen weeks of patience. Well, shall we? For the very last time in 2018: I watched Expeditie Robinson and these brain farts flew through the room:

1. Ten thousand diehard fans who are all addicted to the most beautiful program in the Netherlands gathered together in the Ziggo Dome. AND WHERE AM I?! In Bali. I don’t want to complain, but what an unbelievable kaa-uu-tee timing.

2. ‘How sweet that you all came. For my farewell. Ah, just kidding.’ HAHAHA, Dennis. Immediately threw that big pink elephant out of the room. I freaking love you. And I’ve said it a hundred times, but I really think it’s a big whore shit show that you’re leaving. So.

3. Honestly cracking up at that roast from Steven.
About Aisha: ‘It all went wrong at the VIP service at Schiphol. She came with a whole cutlery drawer on her fingers.’
About Tony: ‘The man who scored Maan. I don’t know how he managed that with his emaciated junkie face.’ HAHAHA.

About Jody: ‘Our Colombian satay skewer had a really tough first week. Then Tony tried to snort him.’

4. *Tony just left the Ziggo Dome due to homesickness.

5. Love for this all-encompassing tweet: ‘Hey @ExpeditieRobRTL if Aisha doesn’t apologize live to Corry King later, we’re all storming the Ziggo Dome with pitchforks, okay?’

6. In my head, Aisha is now looking around the world disinterested/angry and starts laughing like Medusa XL style. ‘Pitchforks? Bitch, have you seen my nails? I got your white ass. How ‘bout that?’

7. By the way, where is Jan’s overall? I thought: he would wear it. Brilliant to see how the best guy is way too sober for this spectacle. Nico: ‘How badly do you want to win?‘ Jan: ’Oh, soooo badly!‘

8. Do’s final shorts are made possible by Prenatal. People, I foresee a little island trend this season: the revival of the poop diaper. Nienke would be proud.

9. So Greg thought: just run, run, RUN, FUCK THAT CHALLENGE, FUCK THOSE FROGS AS LONG AS I DO WHAT I’M GOOD AT, RUN, THEN MAYBE I’LL WIN.
Um, earth to Greg?
‘NO, I WANT TO RUN’
Eh hello?
‘I REHEEEEEN’
Yeah okay, but...
‘CAN’T STOP ANYMORE’

Okay, figure it out, Sedoc.

10. Who would have thought. From champion hurdler to challenge not understood. Sweating while running through the tropics and then messing it up at those knots. Crawled through ropes, almost drowned in the mud, ran at your very hardest, but then it was over...

11. Because there was one Ekte Ekte Ekte Ekte Robinson this season. And that was the farmer who everyone underestimated. The dairy farmer with so much knowledge about nature. Sobriety, survival techniques, and positivity on days when it was tough. Always cheerful, with that little mustache, floppy cap, and brown eyes. The only one who was never at the front during the plotting. The man who went with all the winds and seemed to have real fun on the island. Live from Canggu, I was here screaming on the couch. FARMER FUCKING JAN!!!!

12. Ho, but wait a minute. I want to see the footage of Jan lighting that torch. Hello? Ziggo Dome? Why don’t we see a roaring, combative farmer, completely emaciated, running on his last legs to grab that win? Why don’t we see an emotional Nico? And Dennis realizing that these were his last seconds of Robinson? Where is the reaction from Do and Greg? So many questions. So many questions.

13. Seeing the torch fly in flames + teary eyes and primal roar = winning Robinson. Officially, we don’t even know for sure if Jan won. PANIC.

14. Now I understand that if you charge €19.50 per ticket and 10,000 fans come to your event, you almost catch two hundred thousand euros (minus the Ziggo Dome costs) with which you can pay new BN’ers for next year and put bread on the table and shit. I get it, I get it. But STILL, direction. Shall we just do a quaint live broadcast in the studio next year? Without performances, confetti, and roasts, but with emotions, climaxes, and champagne? Seems like a great idea to me as a fan from the very beginning.

Dear islanders, I want to thank you. For reading along weekly, throwing digital hearts, and chatting afterwards on my Instagram. I never expected so much interaction beforehand – when I came up with this column three years ago in a jolly mood.

For now, I toast from Bali to a crazy season, full of quitters, relatively little fighting (hi Aisha) and enough brilliant moments (hi plot twist from Steven). Makers, thanks for the hours, weeks, months of effort to put this gem of Dutch television together for us again. Keep it pure next season, listen to your gut feeling. And I can’t wait for the season in 2019. This Robinson whore is going to enjoy her vacation for another week. Without a laptop. LAAAATER, ISLAND IDIOTS!

P.S.: Happy holidays everyone! And a happy newJAN!

P.P.S.: Heart at the bottom if you think it’s so fucking brilliant that Jan won the finale with his clumsy big body.

P.P.P.S.: Oh, and for those who do want to see Jan’s first reaction immediately, it’s on the Robinson website: here you go.

P.P.P.P.S.: Dennis, in my eyes you will always be Mr. Robinson. Whoever they choose, you were the funniest.

P.P.P.P.P.S.: Okay, Jesus Kiek, don’t end an article if you’re not done yet, but as a little treat this season I got the one and only King Corry in bed with me (don’t ask me how) for a video. And yes, we sing something about whores fucking and never working again. A farewell gift from me to you, here you go.

On my Insta @kikiduren no more Robinson win actions, but a whole lot of tropical pictures from Bali. Also nice. See you next year, bitchachos!