Getting revenge on an ex

A deleted WhatsApp conversation, an unprecedented excessive interest in his own appearance, suspiciously wanting to walk the dog often (in the presence of his phone) and ridiculously long nights. Alarm phase 1: he is cheating. Now you have to act. And do it well. To quote Michelle Obama: ‘When they go low, we go high.’ Well, high, these three anecdotes are at least entertaining.

1. The wine

A friend suspected everything. When he said he was going to work out with a friend, she checked his location via Snapchat. It turned out he was casually sitting in a restaurant in Amsterdam-Noord. What did my friend do? She called the restaurant, described the couple in question (she had her suspicions about which woman it was) and asked the waiter to offer them a nice bottle of champagne. In her name. Brilliant.

2. Nice texting

A friend of a friend had filled out the whole is-he-cheating bingo card by now, and when he came home at five in the morning in a noticeable state and the previously told stories didn’t quite add up, she sneaked away with his phone. There she found a message from the snake that had been coiling around her husband way too much lately. The rest of the conversation had been deleted. She had sent a message that he (I did say he was drunk) hadn’t seen anymore. Cautiously, she texted. That she already missed him. And yes: bingo. Madam replied. She missed him too. And what she would have liked to do with him. After an hour, it was time for the reveal. Joehoe, you’re not texting my husband but me. Bingo.

3. The button issue

This is one of the most famous stories from Hilversum. A once fairly well-known presenter had a husband who also liked to seek entertainment outside. At one point, he found a keeper. The presenter didn’t like that. She took all his shirts out of his closet, cut off the buttons, and put them in a big bag by the front door. ‘She can sew so well, right?’ she said. ‘Well, have fun then.’