The 29 things I thought when I watched The Roast of Johnny de Mol

The most famous son of the Netherlands went on the cross and with him his entire family. Three-quarters of humanity cannot handle the roughness of The Roast. But honestly, I love this brutally hard entertainment with mutual consent, as long as the joke is good. Honestly, Gordon's roast was harder, maybe because he invited enemies instead of friends. But no less entertaining.

Are you ready, everything I thought when I watched Johnny de Mol's roast:

1. Jeroom about Heleen: ‘She is the only woman whose private parts you may see upon showing a museum annual pass.’ Ha-ha-ha-ha.

2. How much has that boy snorted in his life? If I may believe the roasters, the Sahara is small in comparison.

3. Jeroom about Johnny: ‘Acting is in your blood, just like every conceivable sexually transmitted disease.’ And he admits that freely.

4. That poor Anouk, that poor poor poor Anouk.

5. Whaaat Comedy Central, whaaaat, why do you show that man with the round glasses when it comes to Tooske's slightly overweight brother with Down syndrome?

6. Tooske about Down with Johnny: ‘Let the parents explain for weeks why their new best friend never gets in touch again. And you can shout: ‘Those people are more independent than you think’, but that’s not true. Yes, compared to you they are independent. But to be honest, I don’t know anyone who has meant as much to people with intellectual disabilities as Johnny de Mol. Yes, his father when he decided to buy SBS.’

7. Dominee Van Zwieten about Tooske: ‘You were neatly sorted among retro wank material and Heleen, you were of course also among the antique wank archive.’ Little preacher, little preacher.

8. Van Zwieten about Johnny: ‘Because even I am not so gullible to think that this marriage will last after tonight.’

9. Ooooh Anouk, Anouk, Anouk.

10. And can we take a moment for those cool boots of Patty? Good legs too, by the way.

11. Patty about Tatum's career: ‘You have so many downs that Johnny could almost make a show out of it.’

12. By the way, Patty also hopes that Johnny will change her diapers, because then the circle is nicely complete.

13. Johnny and Patty have done it.

14. That poor Anouk, ooooh Anouk, Anouk, Anouk.

15. Heleen van Royen and Johnny de Mol have done it. Patty Brard has done it with Johnny.

16. Poor, poor, poor Anouk.

17. Tatum Dagelet has done it anally with Johnny. And by the looks of it, she is proud of it too, by the way.

18. Anouk, Anouk, Anouk. We understand Johnny, what a beautiful woman. Who just married the slut of Amsterdam.

19. Najib about Peter Pannekoek after his ‘allah akbar’: ‘Petertje, you look great tonight. Was it a sale at Prenatal?’

20. Just to interject, I find it all uncomfortably brave. But cool that they are putting Johnny down.

21. Peter Pannekoek briefly talks about the moment he recognizes Tooske when he inflates a frog with a straw, just before the eyes bulge out and he thought: ‘Hey, Tooske.‘

22. Najib makes a comparison with dad De Mol and dad Amhali: his father copied passports, De Mol's father copies programs. There must be a difference.

23. Peter about Johnny: ‘We are not terrorized by the Mocro Mafia, but by the De Mol Mafia.’

24. Oh, Patty was particularly complimentary to Dominee Van Zwieten: ‘Your head is so swollen, it’s as if the mumps have fucked the red dog.’ And she admires Tatum, because she knows how hard it is to keep things together as a single mother and we all know how hard that is for Tatum. Hats off, Patty.

25. Heleen about Johnny: ‘You loved whores, strippers, alcohol, and coke. And strippers with tattoos about alcohol and whores. And alcohol with…’ Deeeelicious, Heleen, delicious.

26. Danny Froger does everything so similarly to his father René Froger that he sometimes has to push Natas away from him. I laughed out loud at this.

27. Johnny gives a nice jab to Katja: ‘You’ve been doing what God has forbidden your whole life, but when RTL says it’s not allowed, then…’ Touché John, touché.

28. And may I also have a moment for the bad jokes? The ones that made the audience go silent, about Tatum's hard cut and the phrase that Johnny has to die from Heleen for the story.

29. Johnny closes the show on the cross, where he has been left for dead, even by his Anouk: ‘Siri, call dad.’

I chuckle a bit afterwards, what am I saying? Tonight I’ll watch it again. What entertainment. Gordon's too. The Roast, I love you. And man man man, that Anouk, Anouk, Anouk.

Image: Comedy Central