The 9 phases of a typical Monday

Now I could type a cozy introductory piece here, but Monday itself already seems introductory enough to me. And hey, those phases have nothing to do with not wanting to go to work, but with being particularly skilled at sleeping in, lounging, and lazing around. We're just little diesels, they sputter a bit when starting up, but once they're running, we drive like the sun and can't be stopped. That's what I say: on Monday we're little diesels and these are the nine phases we deal with.

1. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Aaaaaaaaaaah. Aaaaaaaaaah (this is the sputtering phase).

2. Somewhere in the distance, something is mooing. You turn around, give your phone a good shove, and bury your head under the pillow. Nine o'clock is still far, far, far away.

3. Hoooly f, nine o'clock is not far away at all. Nine o'clock is very, very, very close. Nine o'clock is just almost now.

4. No coffee. No juice. No breakfast. No gas. Why was it again a tight plan to execute zero-point-zero on Saturday and Sunday?

5. Dull thump in the head around the eyebrow zone. God punishes Sunday drinkers immediately. Just like last week.

6. Cake. Just when you decide to start a strict regime, they ring the doorbell with the most divine pastry in town, because someone was celebrating a birthday again. And then you have to, because non-cake eaters are a bit unsociable. And hey, what does it matter, it's only Monday, you have a whole week to improve your life.

7. You would swear that all your work was done on Friday. Monday undoes work-related things, I'm telling you.

8. Uuuuh, that toothpaste stain at the level of the left friend, how long has that been there? At the beginning of the day, you last brushed your teeth, yes, exactly.

9. Tomorrow is Tuesday and then you are on fire.