Kiki's Expedition Robinson Brabbels

HOLY CASSAVA KNETTERS. That was quite the mistake yesterday, huh? So I'm quietly growing bedsores on a Sunday morning – okay, maybe it was afternoon – suddenly I get a message from colleague Annick. ‘KIEEEEEEK, due to a mistake, the Robinson finalists have just been announced in an RTL commercial break. While the, uh, semi-final still has to take place?!’

And I'm sitting upright in bed.

Hoooooo shit. I call my colleague and meanwhile scream that I'm checking Twitter. If multiple people have seen it, I'll publish it; otherwise, I think it's childish, in my head. Doubt doubt. I check Twitter. Several viewers have noticed the mistake. People are not amused.

It's only a matter of time before this news sweeps through the Netherlands like a hurricane. Should I do nothing? Should I wait? My Expedition heart is at odds with my journalist heart. Increased pulse. Well, it's only a matter of time before others beat me to it. Three minutes later, I hit ‘publish’. Hugo, Shary-An, and Eva Cleven are in the final. Period.

‘Hi Kiki. Just a quick note to you. Due to a human error, the promo was aired a day too early in which the finalists of Expedition Robinson are already visible,’ a spokesperson from RTL sends me. I can only think of the person in question. How would he/she feel right now? I would probably vomit my guts out. On the other hand: I have yet to meet the first person who has never made a business fuck-up. So, oh well. Who cares. I was still amused in the living room last night, watching our favorite show. And this is what I thought.

1. It would be the joke of the century if RTL has fooled us all and Mariana suddenly appears in that final as a PR stunt? Honestly. On a scale of 1 to 10, we would like… Is this a VERY. MUCH. RIGHT?

2. Three… two… one… SUCCESS, BABE!

Oh gosh. Hugo and Eva are way too fun to compete against each other.

3. ‘So impressive, dude. You're a finalist. Fantastic!’ Okay, I have to say that with such a sporty reaction, I really gain more respect for Eva C. by the minute.

4. ‘I know she can be a bitch, but I love the bitch.’
Us too, Hugo.
Us too.

5. By the way, I think there is no one who can summarize as well as Eva K. Every word she utters has a function. There is not a single superfluous word in her sentences. Damn, can I hire this woman for a birthday speech?

6. I think it would really suck if you have something in your head all day that you can't look up. Like a fucking sea urchin.

7. Shary: ‘I really think it's cool that we have four women in the final. If there had been four men in the final, I would have found it super fun too… but… then I wouldn't have been there myself.’
Wow.

8. But, I would grab a protractor, you know. We all saw that only Eva K. was in a corner of ninety degrees, right?

9. My goodness. Those legs of Dominatrix Nicolette as she walks past the candidates hanging upside down on the James Bond torture machine. What happened to Nico who suddenly oversees the trials like a bitter drill instructor? Give that woman something. Red velvet cake. A banana. Something! She's angry!

10. Mariana, just bite the rope, come on. I know you can. Seriously. I really hope for a badass moment from our favorite furious forest witch. Do the hamster. Just to mess around. CHEW YOUR WAY OUT OF THAT ROPE!

11. Tweet of the week: ‘How is that possible?! Mariana is not allowed to bite the rope. But the others can sit in > 90 degrees, throw off their shoes to get loose, have their feet on the ground and still not be done, and also cheat on a sum. Irritated.’

12. Wow, I would also be diiiiiiikke Kiki Panic at those Roman numerals. Did I even learn that in school? (Hahaha, on Twitter: ‘Mariana comes from Roman times, so she solved that sum easily.’)

13. And why is it DAMN exciting now when we know Shary-An wins? Pffff. What a semi-final. Neck and neck, man. Until the bitter end.

P.S.: Oh guys. One way or another: there are no losers in this game anymore. 31 days on a fucking island, without a decent roof over your head, without normal food, without contact with home. These people ALL deserve The Fisherman’s Friend Bite Through Award. And an extra grand applause for Mariana and Eva K. What women, I tell you.

P.P.S.: Next week la grande finale in my hometown Uutje!!! Heart at the bottom if you're also Team Hugo.

P.P.P.S.: Tomorrow in the news: Nicolette has been undercover as the face of Snickers all these months. You're not yourself when you're hungry. What a stunt.