KIKI'S EXPEDITION ROBINSON CHATTERS

Morning, little screamer. For the next two and a half months, we will be together, you and I. It's going to be a tough delivery, huh, you know that. There will come a point where you will get tired of me. I of you. There will be ups and downs. Fights in the jungle. Conspiracies. Knives in backs. Maybe even boring episodes. Look at last week. We will experience everything together. Taste tests, mergers, celebrities slowly melting away; the full shebang. New voice-overs that we need to process together. Island fashion that needs to be discussed. It's not just something, that chit-chat.

Look, it's a commitment. I need to know that you can handle it. Your backbone needs to be stronger than Frank's, otherwise it will be tough. We won't make it with an eighty percent ‘yes’. Are you still following along? Damn. Okay, you have hereby joined the babble army. Congratulations. Next week you will receive your first Bloomon bouquet to celebrate this momentous shit fact. But let's get right to it then? Here it comes.

1. Kim: ‘Of course I want revenge. Not just for myself, but also for the team. I hope for Mariana that I don't make it to the merger.’ HAHA. Do you hear what I hear? Is our Kimmie The Devil Wears Mariana challenging? Mariana, darling, I think new powder letters need to be sent…

2. I actually prefer not to talk about this week's trial. I think I still have a panic attack from that.

3. Not sadomasochist Nicolette, on the other hand. ‘We're going to play tag. You guys are laughing now, but I guarantee you: soon you won't be.’ And this is exactly the tone that would freak me the fuck out. She comes into your room at night wearing leather pants and a torture device. Crazy Nico. Coucou.

4. Meanwhile on Devil's Island: ‘What are you doing? You're staying here? You mean that…’

It's just that Rijk has become a bit cray-cray over there on Devil's Island, but otherwise I would advise him to work on his social skills.

5. Twenty minutes later…

‘Nice to see you, really great that you're here, Kim. I'm going to prepare your bed in a bit.’
Look, here comes the trouble already.

Expedition Robinson baby 2020.

6. Does Eva Cleven not want to jump into the sea with such uncoordinated goat jumps? That scares me.

7. By the way, she has a bit of a shitty position, huh? That privilege of going straight to the merger. People are such non-givers. We're going to throw some shade before/after every trial, right, haha. ‘Yeah, you're having it easy.’

8. Watch and learn, Kim. This is how you drop a scary threat.

Mariana: ‘But then you're not going to go into the sea with these people?’

Silence…
Wow.

‘Then I don't know how much chance there is on the other side.’

*Takes hand grenade and razor blade out of improvised backpack pocket.*

9. Hugo: ‘Guys. Hello, guys. The food is gone. Panic. Hello Panic. HELLO. The food supply is running out. NO MORE FLOUR. HALOOOHOOO.’

Eva Cleven: ‘I'm used to Rob.’

HAHAHA.

10. The. Shot. In which. Mariana. As. A. Kind. Of. Furious. Forest witch. With. Red. Scarf. And. Stick. Through. The. Sea. Wades. Is. Life.

11. Oh no, wait. Thomas. Who. Honestly. Gets scared. When. Shary-An. Imitates. That. Shark. Is. Life.

12. No, Frank, darling, this is a joke, right? Right? Voluntarily stepping down. I will never understand it. Pudding dick.

13. Meanwhile, Akwasi is trying to remain his modest self. ‘If I weren't myself, I would also think: hmm, maybe I should vote for him.’

14. Fien has comments on our catwalk coach: ‘Who is made of wood here, that wall or you?’ Fien may not realize that Mariana walked catwalk shows in 1927. Technically, Akwasi was dragging a mummified version of Mariana through the mud while chained. You can only have respect for that.

15. If Fien says ‘for the sake of honesty’ one more time this season, I'm going to randomly start hitting around me.

16. ‘Devil's Island… You're incredibly hard to live on. Learned a lot. Hope missed sleep. Hope hunger. But still built a memory for life. So thank you. Shitty island.’ Hahaha. I'm going to say it again: I love Rijk.

17. Okay, just a few tweets of the week:

• ‘Mariana is even more unpredictable than my math tests have ever been.’
• ‘If Frank and Rijk were together on Devil's Island, it would have been camp France.’
• ‘Is it just me or does Mariana resemble the female equivalent of Louis van Gaal?’
• ‘Oh Rijk, I really wish this man a kebab shop and some special frikandellen.’
• ‘If you haven't received a like from @TimCoronel, then you are really a loser!’
• ‘Can't @DennisWeening get back into the expedition via Devil's Island?’

P.S.: I find it somewhat unfair that weakened and wild Rijk has to compete against Akwasi next week, who has eaten decently in the past week. GIVE THAT MAN SOME FOOD FIRST.

P.P.S.: Small consolation, makers: if there hadn't been a hysterical alcoholic castle lord this year, you would have definitely won the Ring. Although you win it for me every year. We got this, for twenty years. Nothing can top that hype.

P.P.P.S.: Heart at the bottom as Mariana secretly becomes your spirit animal and you hope for a Jerry Springer moment with Kim on Devil's Island.

See you next week, coconut cunts.

Latâââh.