KIKI'S EXPEDITION ROBINSON CHATTERS

Meanwhile in Taba, Egypt. The umpteenth email pops up on my phone. Kiki, don’t open it, you’re on vacation. Follow the advice of your big Frozen friend Elsa. Let it gooo. Let it gaaaan. Oh wait. Remember that one time you could interview Ashton Kutcher in Paris but didn’t respond quickly enough to the email? Fuck it. You’re just here slathering coconut oil on yourself while sipping cocktails. You can take a quick look. So I looked anyway…

‘Dear Kiki.

I have serious withdrawal symptoms, hahahahahahahaha. No, seriously, how could you do this to us as readers of your Robinson Brabbels? Fine that you’re going on vacation and I totally get that, but I do miss it, you know. Always something to look forward to and now I have to wait soooo long. Please, it’s going to be double as long next week???????? I hope you enjoyed your vacation and that you don’t take this email offensively or accusatorily. Regards, a loyal reader.’

I won’t mention any names MELANIE, but first of all: the fact that you’re thinking about this, taking the time to look up my email address, typing an email and hitting send means something to me. I instantly feel guilty that I’m not working. I actually knew it already. The Robinson army is Mariana-stubborn. You can’t just row us out. Extra votes are needed for that. Seriously, for the first time I feel like there were really people waiting for nothing last Monday. And what does that even mean? For nothing? A cat has a… right? A cat doesn’t? A cat’s little thing then? Or is it a cat with a slight gender crisis? That’s fine too, everyone is welcome here, even transgender cats.

Anyway, my girl Mel wasn’t the only one who felt the need to chat about Robinson. My half Insta-box was flooded with ‘KIEK HELLO BRABBELS WHERE ARE THEY JOEJOE’-questions. So Excusi Expeditie Eppo’s, I let some of you down. But a person sometimes needs a little break. Especially when candidates need to be skewered on a Go-Tan satay stick afterwards.

So with renewed energy, I’m ready again. Shall we? Look Melanie, the intro is already extra long. Just for you. If I type another sentence it’ll be even longer. And look here, some extra words again. Together we’ll make it, you and I. Oh, and that one don’t-be-a-drag-just-be-a-queen-cat of course. We’re a top trio.

1. If people are wondering if I’m on drugs: not that I know of. Although Mariana did show up at my door this morning with a jug of ‘coffee’, from which I’ve already had three cups…

2. Speaking of the furious forest witch: she was on fire this week. From überbitch to favorite Robinson. And… That. Face. During. The Island Council, STOP IT I CAN’T SO DELICIOUS.

3. Oh, and Koreman, a tip from me: darling, you’re too honest for this game. You don’t have to apologize when you vote for someone. You don’t have to ‘take one for the team’ because they don’t do that for you either. This is Robinson. I know you didn’t get along with Mariana, but honestly: you can learn from the best here, front row, everything. That woman still has strategy in her clitoris.

4. That smile from Tim. Who is simply the boss of all alliances by just being a Robinson. It’s also wonderful how the rest hears him scream when he wins the challenge: ‘Ah ah, no way. Papa is still here.’ I LOVE PAPA.

5. Meanwhile, the man is also just catching twenty-three fish and twelve crabs. Can it be? Those emaciated BN’ers? Not with Coronel on board. The seafood buffet is open!

6. Fien: ‘I’m being bombarded by everyone as the mastermind, but it’s not that bad, you know.’ Ha ha. Hahah. HAHAHA. So, anyone want coffee? Mariana treats.

7. I’ve thought again about how the public opinion of Mariana has turned one hundred eighty degrees, people now find Tim a hero and Fien a witch. The thing is: we love underdogs. Strategically denying someone the win in a group – Tim – creates a kind of unsympathetic error after which you actually want to see someone like Tim win without high expectations but just by fighting hard with heart and soul. When that happens: people are satisfied.

8. Woman: ‘Do you think I look fat in this dress?’
Man: ‘Uh, no sweetheart, why?’
Woman: ‘Why ‘uh’? Why did that answer take so long? So you think I’m fat?’
Man: ‘No, I don’t think that at all.’
Woman: ‘You think I’m fat.’
Man: ‘Sigh.’
Shary-An: ‘Don’t tell me what I am or am not. And don’t tell that to anyone else either.’

9. After some calculations, I found out that Fien’s fans can thank their big friend Akwasi.
Fien: six votes against (three from Tim Coronel and three from Mariana. They both used two extra votes so)

Mariana: Five votes against. Fien, Akwasi, Yvette, Eva C, and Eva K each cast one vote. So Akwasi did NOT cast two. And that has become fatal for Fien. No Fienale this year. Whoops.

10. ‘Mariana is apparently so stubborn that an extra vote is needed.’
‘We haven’t been able to make a no-Mariana-zone sign yet.’
‘An island without Mariana feels like a vacation.’

Meanwhile, Mariana with a spooky Mariana accent: ‘You all enjoy your vacation, I declare war on… well. That Fien. She has to go. So we’ll just arrange that.’ The intonation. The proud chin up. The confidence. You know. I would just be genuinely proud if I were voted out by Mariana.

10. But the biggest question now is: what’s going to happen next week? Letters from home? The two ‘very naughty Evas’ going on a warpath? Oh dear. And what should Yvette and Akwasi do now? Think for themselves? PANIC.

You understand: we’re in week 11 and Robinson has finally started. The atmosphere is in it. Let the hunger games begin and may the odds be ever in your favour. Then I’ll count down, okay? Mariana with a machete on your heels… In 3… 2… 1… GO!!

P.S. Mariana is seriously keeping an eye on me through spies. Check my Insta…